If you listen to the Tony Blackburn Show, you'll know I'm a regular contributor.
So much so that I really think they should call it the Tony Blackburn & Steve Masters Show
(I'm modest like that, I don't want top billing.)
Well today, Tony read out another one of my ribbed ticklers.And here it is.
I said, Tony, would you please play a song for my imaginary girlfriend.
She'll be totally made up.
Right, here's an absolute cracker, when I heard it on the Tony Blackburn Show this morning, I laughed out loud:
I took my new girlfriend out last night & she asked me if I had any pets. I said, "Yes - a goldfish."
She said, "Any hobbies?" "Well," I said - "He likes swimming."
As previously mentioned, as we're now in December it's time to once more
THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOM.
Todays Christmas Classic is about the famous Xmas song, "Little Drummer Boy," by Bing Crosbie & David Bowie.
When Bowie arrived at the studio to record the song, he noticed that Bing looked upset.
He said, "Hello Bing, what's up?"
"Well Dave," replied the old crooner, "My inflatable ass has sprung a leak."
Bowie replied, "Never mind, Bing - you can use my rubber bum pump."
"Rubber bum pump?" said Bing;
"Rubber bum pump," said Bowie.
All together now, rubber bum pump, rubber bum pump
Q: How do you tell the difference between an alligator & a crocodile?
A: Simple - an alligator will see you later, a crocodile will see you in a while.
Interesting Fact:
Admiral Nelson was only 5' tall, but his statue is 15' -
that's Horatio of 3 to 1.
OK mirth fans, empty your colostomy bags & fasten your seat belts, this ribbed tickler will have you in stitches.
I road-tested it on a willing 'human guinea pig' so to speak, at the memorabilia fair; he asked to remain nameless,
so let's just refer to him as Steve Russell.
When I told him this Comedy Classic, he was helpless with laughter, and as he wiped away tears of mirth,
he said "Steve son, you are a comedy genius" (with a build up like that, it'd better be good! - ed.), so here goes.
I went to a fancy dress party, as a screwdriver. I certainly turned plenty of heads!
No animals were harmed during the testing of this joke.
I went for an eye check yesterday, and guess who I bumped into?
Everybody!
Today is National Hug A Plumber Day!
It's also Wear a Football Shirt Day, the idea is you donate to a certain charity,
for wearing your team's shirt. I'm wearing my 'Royal Panda' shirt - however, I've forgotten which charity
is involved, so I won't be making a donation.
And a Top Tip:
It's the London Marathon on Sunday; kid people you've just run it, by staggering around
central London after the first runners have come in, wearing shorts & a vest with a large number on it,
and 6 foot of bacofoil draped over your shoulders!
On this special day, the 80th Anniversary of V-E Day, I can't help but remember my dear old granddad,
who was the first man off the landing crafts on D-Day.
Sadly, the MPs caught him, put him back on & made him go to Normandy.
Then, on the other side of the family, my uncle brought down 11 German fighters in the Battle of Britain!
The Luftwaffe said he was the worst mechanic they'd ever had.
Time for me once more to channel the spirit of that bloke out of That's Life
(whose name escapes me) & once more smooth the sleeve of my velvet smoking jacket,
look knowingly at the camera & simper, "I am indebted to Daniel Wells, aka dannyboyurs off the old offy MB,
for this ribbed tickler:
I've just been diagnosed with agorophobia - get in!!
