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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 31, 2021 10:55 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3735Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
More Olympic gold for Team GB this morning, in the new sport of trampolining.
They started off badly, but soon bounced back! :lol:

Speaking of trampolining, reminds me of the time Dubliner replaced his bed with a trampoline; his wife hit the roof! :lol: :lol:

Straight off this morning's Tony Blackburn Show, they don't come much fresher than that......OK, when I say fresh - they're years old.... :oops:




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PostPosted: Tue Aug 03, 2021 1:54 pm Reply with quote
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….still on the bed jokes..... I bought a waterbed, but I had to get rid of it.
Me & the wife were drifting apart. :oops:

Anyone hear this morning's Ken Bruce Show, on Radio 2?
He told my "pole vaulter" joke - badly, I might say.
And he didn't even give me credit for it.
:twisted:



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PostPosted: Fri Aug 06, 2021 11:39 am Reply with quote
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There's a new event in the Olympics today -
Scarecrow Wrestling.
I don't fancy Team GB's chances;
they'll be clutching at straws.



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PostPosted: Sat Aug 07, 2021 10:32 am Reply with quote
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Tom Daley made a big splash in this morning's event!
Tell you what, I'll be glad when the Olympics are over, the strain of coming up with a topical joke every day is beginning to get a bit much. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_09
I got that joke off of today's Tony Blackburn Show; he played a Val Doonican song, and I wondered - why did Val Doonican never want a personalised numberplate?? :roll:
Anyway, we're expecting a full house at the KP today, as expectant Rs fans wait to see if the boy Lenny turns out. Now, you all know what hooligans Millwall are, so a word of advice;don't wear a QPR shirt, wear the colours of a neutral team - say, West Ham. They should leave you alone......
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11



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PostPosted: Mon Aug 09, 2021 12:57 pm Reply with quote
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Well, at last that's it - the Olympics are over for another 4,er 3 years. :?
At least that means I don't have to come up with a topical joke every day -
yes you've guessed it - back to the regular tosh! :P
Mind you, Dubliner rang me last night. He said Steve, me & JOHN22 are thinking of going in for the next Olympics. I said you could call yourself Team NBG. That went right over his head..... :roll:
I said listen me old son, just because you've got athlete's foot, don't get delusions of grandeur - there's a bit more to it than that. He said JOHN fancies going in for the Paralympics.....but with my fear of heights, I'm not jumping out of no plane. What can you do with them??

Anyway,as I said we're back to normal service, and here's one I nicked off of Peter Kay.
A woman goes to see her GP, she says every time she sneezes, she has a massive orgasm. The Doc says What are you taking for it?
She said - pepper. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Now, THAT deserves gold in the mirth Olympics.



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 10, 2021 1:20 pm Reply with quote
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Right, I've just discovered this one in the back of my notebook, so despite what I said yesterday, here comes one more Olympic joke. I promise it's the last. I entered the suntan olympics; I got bronze. 8)

If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges, please get in touch; my door is always open. :?

conjunctivitis.com - there's a site for sore eyes.
:P



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PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2021 12:17 pm Reply with quote
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The boss asked me if I believed in the afterlife.
When I said I did, he said just as well - when you were at your granny's funeral yesterday, she rang asking for you.
:oops:



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PostPosted: Mon Aug 16, 2021 10:02 am Reply with quote
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I used to like to go to a farm & look at the machinery.
But it doesn't appeal to me now....I'm an ex-tractor fan. :shock:

The wife said, "Will you ever stop being so indecisive?"
I said, "I don't know....maybe." :?



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 17, 2021 1:32 pm Reply with quote
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The next-door neighbour was banging on the wall at 4 o'clock this morning.
Luckily, I was awake, listening to music. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11
He said, "Can I get a bit of respect?" I said, "OK, I'll get my Aretha Franklin records out."
Must admit, I was a bit out of it.
I'd accidentally taken the cat's medication - don't ask me 'ow.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_09



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 18, 2021 9:26 am Reply with quote
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I've been reading a book called Lion Taming, by Claude Bottom. But I had a bit of eye strain, so I used ketchup as eye drops; not a good idea, with the benefit of heinz sight. :shock:



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PostPosted: Sat Aug 21, 2021 10:30 am Reply with quote
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Last night, I swallowed a bottle of invisible ink;
I've been in A & E ever since - still haven't been seen. :(

Thought For The Day:
In days of you're, their was no auto-correct.
:?



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PostPosted: Mon Aug 23, 2021 12:30 pm Reply with quote
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What's the difference between a hippo & a Zippo?
One's very heavy, the other's a little lighter.
:?



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PostPosted: Thu Aug 26, 2021 1:01 pm Reply with quote
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Almost at the "193,000 views " barrier.......maybe someone else would like to tell a joke for once?? Just an idea.Anyway, here's today's Ribbed Tickler:
I quit my job as an escapologist - I couldn't get away quick enough.



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PostPosted: Fri Aug 27, 2021 11:56 am Reply with quote
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Cannibals have cooked a skiffle player twice.
They're calling it Lonnie Done-again.

JOHN22's been telling me about his new baker's shop.
He said, "All cakes are a quid, but one'll cost you £2. That's madeira cake."



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PostPosted: Sat Aug 28, 2021 10:14 am Reply with quote
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I thought that might've flushed JOHN22 out, but no.... :?
Anyway - and I must warn you now, the jokes on this morning's Tony Blackburn Show were pretty poor - here are today's ribbed ticklers:
I told my doctor I was addicted to Twitter.
He said, "I'm sorry, I don't follow you." :lol:

Traffic bulletin: a lorry has shed its load of belts & braces on the motorway.
You can expect hold-ups.
:P



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