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PostPosted: Thu Apr 01, 2021 9:20 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I took advantage of the easing of lockdown to get a bloke in to stain my porch.
But he did a lousy job - he'll never darken my door again. :evil:

Today is the anniversary of the French nobleman who invented gravy - the Count of Monte Bisto. :P

Question: When will all these rhetorical questions end??
:roll:



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PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2021 1:18 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I dont think I can get hard, I just got laid this morning!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A down and out drunk sat down next to a priest in the underground station. His clothes were in rags and he had a half-empty bottle of gin sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes he turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 06, 2021 10:09 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
"It's a perfect day"...... as Lou Reed once sang.
Saturday was pretty much a perfect day for me; had my 2nd Covid jab in the afternoon, then got home just in time to hear that Chelse had been stuffed 5-2 by West Brom. :lol: :lol:

Anyway, I rang JOHN22, I said - John, do you have trouble concentrating?
He said - Sorry Steve, what was that? I was miles away. :roll:

Those so-called Hot Cross Buns, what a rip-off.
I bought a pack in Tesco's & they were stone cold. :x

There was a knock on the door, and when I opened it a little man was standing there. he was only 3" 3' tall. "Hello," he said - "I'm the metre man."

And here is some Traffic News: There's a heavy jam at Fulham Broadway, the road is blocked by a broken-down team - Chelsea. :P



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PostPosted: Thu Apr 08, 2021 9:52 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Went to a comedy club & there was a lizard on stage, on its hind legs,telling jokes. It was a stand-up chameleon. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_03

I bought one of those Tesla cars recently & it's still got that 'new car' smell.
I think its Elon Musk.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11



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PostPosted: Thu Apr 08, 2021 3:02 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
David Beckham's son turned up for football training.
He asked the coach, "What number shirt am I?"
The coach replied, "Wear 4 out there, Romeo."



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PostPosted: Sat Apr 10, 2021 10:51 am Reply with quote
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I've decided not to become a magician.....it was tempting at first, but now I'm disillusioned. :x



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PostPosted: Sun Apr 11, 2021 1:34 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
Steveqpr881 is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss" noise, but every so often there is a "Pop!" noise.
"Wait a minute!" says the Steve. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every tenth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 12, 2021 10:30 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I asked my teenage daughter to pass me the phone book;
she just laughed, called me a dinosaur and gave me her iphone.
So.....now the spider's dead, her iphone's cracked & she's not talking to me.
:shock:


Last edited by steveqpr881 on Tue Apr 13, 2021 11:10 am, edited 1 time in total.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 13, 2021 9:08 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
JOHN22 went to see a shrink, he's been diagnosed with a fear of giants-
feefiphobia.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_23



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PostPosted: Thu Apr 15, 2021 11:14 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
The Apple store in Reading has been robbed.Police are appealing for iWitnesses.

Showbiz News: Arnold Schwarzenegger is to make a film about classical music.
He'll be Bach.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11



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PostPosted: Fri Apr 16, 2021 10:29 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I'm dating twins!
Mind you, it's not to tell them apart.
Lisa's got long, blonde hair.
And Barry's got a beard.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_24



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PostPosted: Sat Apr 17, 2021 10:07 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
BELIEVE IT OR NOT:

Human beings get rich as they grow old:
Silver Hair;
Gold in Teeth;
Sugar in blood;
Precious stones in Kidney;
And a never-ending supply of Gas!


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 19, 2021 11:48 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
Dubliner was sending texts to everybody yesterday:

To the person who stole my shoes while I was on the bouncy castle.

Fu**ing grow up!


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 20, 2021 12:33 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Reading the obit of Martin Fitzmaurice, who used to call out the scores on tv darts matches, reminds mne of this golden oldie.
A team of nuns was playing darts in a pub.
One nun stepped up to the oche, threw & hit triple 20.
She threw her 2nd dart & hit 20.
She threw her 3rd dart which hit the wire, bounced out & hit her right between the eyes!
As she fell to the ground, the chalker called out-
"One nun dead, and eighty."
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_24



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PostPosted: Thu Apr 22, 2021 2:26 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I hear Dubliner's taken up fishing.
He uses liquorice for bait - catches all sorts.



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