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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 13, 2021 1:23 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically.
He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.
No amount of talking was helping.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!"


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 15, 2021 1:22 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Today, March 15th, is The Ides of March - the day when Julius Caeser was assassinated, all those years ago. And as he died, he uttered those immortal words - "Infamy, infamy! They've all got in for me!"
Then there was the funeral, when Eltonius John sang his theme song,
"Sandals in the Bin.



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PostPosted: Wed Mar 17, 2021 1:36 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Hank Marvin Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11 is thinking about changing his name.
He's fed up with people offering him a sandwich, every time he introduces himself.



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PostPosted: Thu Mar 18, 2021 9:53 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2007 11:44 amPosts: 163Location: Belfast
A psychic dwarf has escaped from Police custody.

They are looking for a small medium at large.


where would you find a book about Paranoia?

Behind you



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 19, 2021 10:05 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Well, another year's passed & it's time once more for Steve's Comic Relief.
"What's it all about, Steve?" you ask; simples.
Every view of this thread comes with a voluntary* £5 donation so that I can buy a new joke book. A great cause, I'm sure you'll agree.
Anyway, here is today's ribbed tickler:
I was knocked off my bike by the Council salt-spreader.
"You idiot," I shouted, through gritted teeth.
Keep that money coming, mirth fans......


( *- donations cannot be refunded)



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 19, 2021 11:52 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
btw, tune into tomorrow's Tony Blackburn Show, Sounds of the 60s,
on BBC Radio 2 (88 to 91 FM), during the week I emailed him a joke that he might just read out......
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_12



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 19, 2021 1:33 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I was going to give up Viagra for Lent this year, but I wasn't sure if I could keep it up. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_23



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PostPosted: Sun Mar 21, 2021 2:09 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and she is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant--about four months would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?" Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and stared outside. About five minutes passed before the mother said, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?"
The doctor replied, "No, not at it. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'm not going to miss it this time around!"


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 22, 2021 10:00 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
William Shatner - yes, Star Trek's Captain Kirk - is 90 years old today !
(see separate thread) & to celebrate, here's a special Star Trek-themed joke:
Q: How many ears has Captain Kirk got?
A: 3 - one left ear, one right ear and (ALL TOGETHER NOW)
one final front ear.
Beam me up!!
:P



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PostPosted: Mon Mar 22, 2021 2:14 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
.....it's humour, Jim, but not as we know it. 8)



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PostPosted: Tue Mar 23, 2021 11:43 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Two rats having a conversation.
One asked "Have you had a vaccination yet?"
The other replied *No. They are still testing it on humans!"


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 23, 2021 12:33 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Welcome back Liam!

People say my house is haunted, but I've lived there over 200 years and never noticed anything.

And here is some traffic news-
a lorry has shed it's load of fruit on the M1, police say there's a large jam.



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 26, 2021 2:45 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
The wife woke me up with her snoring - FFS, I said - are you trying to get us killed? as I grabbed hold of the steering wheel.

And talking about driving, here is a traffic bulletin:
The M1 is closed, after a lorry shed it's load of ladders.
Police are taking steps to clear it.

And finally, Ronnie - some rhyming celebrities.
Sean Derry - Chuck Berry.
Clint Hill - Buffalo Bill.



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PostPosted: Sat Mar 27, 2021 10:00 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 555Location: It's in the Name
Day 121 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

Day 125, my wife and I had this long pointless argument as to which vowel is the most important.
I won.

I see the UK has new ‘Rule of Six’ guidelines on Social gathering so you can now have an outdoor meet-up with 6 people without issues.
I don't even know 6 people without issues.

My mother always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I’m saving the world!



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careful now...
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 29, 2021 9:26 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I see British cycling is embroiled in another doping row;
well, whaddaya expect? After all, it's full of peddlars. :lol:

It's British Summer Time again, and soon we'll all be wearing flip-flops.
They were invented by a Frenchman, Philippe Ferlop.
Not a lot of people know that..... :lol: :lol:

And here is a Traffic Bulletin:
The M1 is blocked, after a lorry shed it's load of ladders.
Police are taking steps to clear it.
:lol: :lol: :lol:



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