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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 22, 2021 12:20 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be on the bus right now... so shut up."


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 22, 2021 11:33 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
That so-called "Liverpool-Derby game" on Saturday, what a rip-off.....
the Rams weren't in it at all, it was da Pewl & Everton. :roll:
So I settled down with a good book instead, the follow-up to Treasure Island.
Long John Silver's parrot had become very obese. So much so that, when it had a heart attack & died, it was a weight off Long John's shoulder.
:lol:



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PostPosted: Tue Feb 23, 2021 1:12 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told
that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 23, 2021 11:29 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Someone's been adding extra soil to my allotment....the plot thickens.

I thought a dog would lift my spirits during lockdown, so I bought one off a magician. It's a crossbreed - a labracadabra.



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PostPosted: Fri Feb 26, 2021 1:20 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
A WOMAN’S POEM:

He didn’t like the casserole, and he didn’t like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard, not like his mother used to make.

I didn’t make the coffee right, and he didn’t like my stew.

I didn’t fold his pants, the way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer, I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him, like his mother used to do!


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 26, 2021 1:26 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 555Location: It's in the Name
I'm building a dating app exclusively for people working in bars
......look out for BarTinder

I'm also starting a social media website for religious people with a lisp;
......Faithbook

With my earnings from all this online stuff, I’ve started investing in stocks; beef, chicken and vegetable.
......One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.



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PostPosted: Fri Feb 26, 2021 11:55 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Dubliner wrote:
A man has been shot with a starting pistol.
Police are pretty sure it's race related



The suspect is Onya Marx, shurely??

I've been learning how to kayak. The instructor said, if it turns over I can just wear it like a hat; because it's cap-sized.

Seen the new campaign about the benefits of eating dried grapes?
It's all about raisin awareness. 8)

And, today's top tip:
Chelsea fans - no need to waste money on expensive replica strip!
Just strap a large plastic penis to your forehead, and everyone will know which team you support. :lol: :lol: :lol:



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PostPosted: Mon Mar 01, 2021 11:50 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Dubliner asked me to preview his act for Stars in Their Eyes.
So I had a look (via Zoom, of course), but it didn't go well.....
I had to tell him that throwing a Frenchman's hat across the room wasn't a good "Chuck Berry" act. :roll:

I'll tell you what, if there's one place I can't stand, it's the ice rink.



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PostPosted: Tue Mar 02, 2021 11:15 am Reply with quote
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Would anybody like to buy my copies of Chiropractice Monthly?
I've got loads of back issues. :roll:

And here's a quiz to blow away those cobwebs:
What (admittedly tenuous) W12 connection do pop stars Elton John &
Rag 'n' Bone Man have in common?
There's a drink (once lockdown's over) for the first correct answer......



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 05, 2021 12:22 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
I think I might have seen both of them in The White Horse, but I may have been drunk?
Steve i loved your visit to the clairvoyant on the other thread.

A woman got onto the plane, sat down and took out her Bible.
After a while a man sitting next to her turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by the whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 05, 2021 1:56 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
JOHN22 wrote:
I think I might have seen both of them in The White Horse, but I may have been drunk?


No other guesses? That's a poor effort....I admit, it's a toughie, but still, we Rs fans are up for a challenge, shurely??.

Anyway, you know who makes me cross? Lollipop ladies. :evil:

My doctor thinks I'm paranoid.
Well, he didn't say as much, but I know he was thinking it.
:twisted:



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PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2021 11:22 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...

Anyone see the Harry & Megs interview?
Me neither. :roll:
Read the spoiler - apparently, life in the palace made her think of suicide.
And I don't mean Crystal Palace.
Meg luv, you should try being an Rs fan, you'd have topped yourself years ago. Decades.


Just had a Tweet from Piers Morgan.
It said "Steve, you know I'm your No.1 fan - well, when I read this, I thought I'd use it on Good Morning Britain. It was just meant to be a throwaway remark, but look what happened - I got the tin tack. You'll be hearing from my solicitors." oops!
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11


Last edited by steveqpr881 on Wed Mar 10, 2021 1:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 10, 2021 11:19 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a plumber.
But it was just a pipe dream.



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PostPosted: Thu Mar 11, 2021 1:25 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 555Location: It's in the Name
The guy who stole my diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.

Cosmetic surgery used to be a pretty taboo subject.
Now you mention botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow.

There was an accident at the glass factory today.
Onlookers could Only describe the scene as "paneful to watch”

... and finally, Steveqpr881 told me that he once got to act in a porno film,
he played the husband that went to work.



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 12, 2021 10:02 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Dubliner wrote:
... and finally, Steveqpr881 told me that he once got to act in a porno film,
he played the husband that went to work.


That's too surreal for me, Dubliner...... :shock:

Anyway, how do they move the furniture around in the Weather Office?
They use four castors - forecasters, geddit??
:P



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