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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2021 2:08 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of potatoes.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Sammy!" the farmer shouted. "Forget your troubles, come in and have a bite with us, then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"Thanks very much, but I don't think Dad would like me to."
"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.
"Well okay, but Dad won't like it."
After a fine dinner, Sammy thanked the farmer. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbour said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Dad?"
Sammy replied, "Under the wagon."


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 06, 2021 1:59 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
"Doc," said Dubliner, as he lay down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
Dubliner replied, "Please--break my arms!"

Where is Dubliner now, I'd heard he joined the Magic Circle, but he seems to have disappeared completely????


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 07, 2021 3:03 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 555Location: It's in the Name
JOHN22 wrote:
Where is Dubliner now, I'd heard he joined the Magic Circle, but he seems to have disappeared completely????


...... hadn’t spoken to John in a while but he rang me yesterday, very upset.
He told me Mrs22 had been stung by a bee on the forehead and was in the ER. Her face was all swollen and bruised and she almost died.
Could’ve been worse though, he said, luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

I tried donating blood today. Never again!
Too many stupid questions, like whose blood is this? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket...



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PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2021 2:10 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Welcome back, Dubliner - I knew we'd flush him out!
He's been busy, trying to sell his Hoover on e-bay; he's not using it, it's just gathering dust.
I asked JOHN22 what he thought of multi-storey car parks;
he said, "Steve, they're wrong, on so many levels."



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PostPosted: Tue Feb 09, 2021 5:48 pm Reply with quote
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It is good to see Dubliner back. I didn’t really believe he had joined the magic circle, but there has been a lot of speculation as to his whereabouts.
Some said he was in the Himalayan mountains. Others said he was lost in the jungles of Africa. Others also said he was wandering aimlessly in the Gobi desert.
One source even speculated that he had been abducted,by aliens in Arizona.
Some also said he had been spotted in Tesco’s in Ballyfermot.
I myself always believed he would return when he was ready to focus on the job in hand, a bit like Charlie Austin. It just makes me smile that he has at last returned.
THE END:


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 11, 2021 11:59 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Steve Russell rang me yesterday.
He said, "Steve, don't you just hate people who answer their own questions?"
I do." :roll:
I said Steve, anyone who doesn't know the meaning of 'introspection' needs to take a long, hard look at themself.
:shock:



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PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2021 12:39 am Reply with quote
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On a country road a policemen pulled Steveqpr881 over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which Steve replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 13, 2021 2:46 am Reply with quote
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I accidentally swallowed a bag of letters,
my next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

I'm in a really bad place right now.
Not mentally, I've just found myself walking by Stamford Bridge.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
- Jane ate her friend’s sandwich.
- Jane ate her friend’s colon.



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PostPosted: Sat Feb 13, 2021 11:24 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
JOHN22 told me his car wouldn't start this morning.
So he opened the bonnet, and there was a bat sat on the engine!
The bat winked at him & said, "You're looking grand today, JOHN."
So he knew what the problem was - bat flattery.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_09



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PostPosted: Mon Feb 15, 2021 11:20 am Reply with quote
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When I was a kid, I always used to get bathed in weak Aussie lager.
It took me years to figure out I'd been Fostered.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_24



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PostPosted: Mon Feb 15, 2021 11:43 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
steveqpr881 wrote:

I used to run a sweet shop & one day, Bruce Forsyth came in.
I asked him what he'd like and he said (all together now)
"Give us a Twirl."
:lol: :lol: :lol:


JOHN, Dubliner - I'm surprised neither of you have picked up the baton & made something of this. After all, there's plenty more comic potential to be had out of old Bruce Forsyth quiz shows, if you......Play Your Cards Right.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_06



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PostPosted: Wed Feb 17, 2021 2:11 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board?"


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 18, 2021 11:50 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
JOHN22 tells me that Dubliner's put an engine from a washing machine into his car. He's going to take it for a spin today. :roll:
Anyway, what was wrapped in silver foil & climbed up the side of a Paris cathedral? The Lunchpack of Notre Dame. Eye thenk-yew.
:P



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PostPosted: Fri Feb 19, 2021 2:21 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 555Location: It's in the Name
The optometrist said to his patient, "Your results are in."
The patient asked, "Can I see them?"
"Probably not."

...and in breaking news: There’s a necrophiliac on the loose.
Look alive people!

....and finally, vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...



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PostPosted: Fri Feb 19, 2021 11:55 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 555Location: It's in the Name
OK it’s Friday and I’ve been quiet for a while so here we go ....
My wife is an artist and when she’s sad I let her draw things on my body.

I give her a shoulder to crayon.


The police are after me for stealing a futon....

I’m currently lying low.


I ate an expired can of alphabet soup...

Now I have severe cramps in my vowels and I've been in-consonant all day


A man has been shot with a starting pistol.

Police are pretty sure it's race related.

..and finally:
I've just released my own fragrance

No one else in the car liked it though.


OK I’ll go back to being quiet.....



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