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PostPosted: Thu Dec 24, 2020 3:52 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 555Location: It's in the Name
John 22 went into town last weekend with Mrs 22 to do their Christmas shopping. With the concerns that shops might be locked-down again all the shops were really busy. The story was the same in every shop with a long slow queue to the checkout.

While Mrs 22 was standing in yet another very long queue in a third shop John said he was going for a wander (as he does), saying he’d be back in a little bit.

After taking Mrs 22 a half an hour to get finished in the shop, John still wasn't back and there was still lots more shopping to do, so Mrs 22 calls him on the mobile asking, "Where the hell are you?"

John answers, "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn't afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"I'm in the pub next to that."



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PostPosted: Mon Dec 28, 2020 2:07 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 555Location: It's in the Name
The guy who stole my diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.

I got mugged by 6 dwarves today
Not Happy.

Medical experts are advising fans against wearing face masks with the R’s logo, apparently they provide no defence....



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PostPosted: Tue Dec 29, 2020 3:26 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
As the doctor completed an examination of his patient, he said, ''I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.''

''In that case,'' said the patient, ''I'll come back when you're sober''


A 90 year-old man is celebrating his birthday with all the members of his family at the Old Folks Home when in walks a Kissagram Lady.
She walks sexily up to the old Guy and announces that she is going to give him Super Sex.
The old man looks shocked, but replies " Would you mind if I only had the soup"!!


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 31, 2020 12:55 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Dubliner wrote:
John 22 went into town last weekend with Mrs 22....


Dubliner talking about JOHN22 & his good lady wife made me wonder -
have they got a child called Catch? Catch 22 - geddit??
See the Queen's Christmas Speech? You've gotta feel sorry for her, locked away in Windsor Castle with just her support 'bubble' - ie, Prince Philip.
I wonder what her favourite Xmas telly prog was? Mine was Strictly I'm a Celebrity Xmas Masterchef Bake-Off On Ice, Get Me Out of Here.
Yes, mirth fans, I'm back and ready to blow the Christmas cobwebs away with a collection of the finest ribbed ticklers. Like this Xmas cracker leftover:
Q:Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because chickens hadn't been invented.
No? How about...
I've left my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
Or this:
I booked into an escapology course by mistake.
Now I'm struggling to get out of it. :roll:





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PostPosted: Sat Jan 02, 2021 12:28 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
A beautiful young girl is about to have an operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check everything is ready.

A man wearing a white coat comes over to her, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 04, 2021 11:57 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Happy New Year, mirth fans & you'll be glad to hear my New Year's Resolution:
to offer up nothing but the very best ribbed-ticklers from now on!
(I also made a resolution to grow a beard; I was unsure at first, but now it's growing on me). Yes, it's out with the old & in with the new - no more tired old Tony Blackburn rejects like- a cheese sandwich walks into a pub, and the barman says get out, we don't serve food! Or even - What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones. No, from now on, it's 24 carat gold comedy classics like this:-
I was a bit lonely in Lockdown, so I decided to get a cat. After looking on the internet, I saw there was a special breed, unique to Holland. My local pet shop was advertising one for sale, so I went & had a look. But it didn't seem any different, so I popped inside and said, "How Dutch is that moggie in the window?"
:lol: :lol: :lol:



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PostPosted: Wed Jan 06, 2021 12:58 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
As Cyril Fletcher used to say on "That's Life," I am indebted to Rick Ferries (aka qprjd) for posting this on Facebook (if you acknowledge your 'sauce,' it's not plagiarism):
This week I have got through a bottle of Dry Martini, a bottle of Dry Sherry & a bottle of Dry Gin. Dry January's really going well so far! :P
Esther......



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PostPosted: Thu Jan 07, 2021 1:26 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. She responded, ''Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.''

Last May during lockdown, there were clear skies every day and the heat was intense.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Dubliner said; as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 12, 2021 12:59 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I promised you - no more Tony Blackburn rejects, just cutting-edge humour & here's some top political satire to prove it:
The Trump supporter photographed walking away from the Capitol Building with a lecturn over his shoulder said " I was just taking a stand." 8)
Donald Trump will miss Joe Biden's inauguration, he'll be playing golf instead. Still, he wouldn't be the first power-mad megalomaniac to end his days in a bunker.
:P



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PostPosted: Tue Jan 12, 2021 3:50 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks."
A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks."
A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks."
An American doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind,...... We just took a man with no brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 14, 2021 4:42 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
I had to look up proctologist, I think that's a bit below the belt!!

And when we were talking about Charlie Austin and Glen Campbell, I was left wondering at first, why you mentioned True Grit.

What's John Wayne got to do it??


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 19, 2021 1:50 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3610Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I, for one, like Roman numerals. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11



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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2021 11:45 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
"Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf."
"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 26, 2021 12:45 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
Steveqpr881 staggered out of the pub and got on to a bus late one night, stumbled up the aisle, and slumped down next to an elderly woman.
She looked at Steve sternly and said, "I've got news for you young man you're going straight to hell!"
Steve jumped up and screamed, "Oh sh*t, I'm on the wrong bus!"


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 26, 2021 9:16 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 568
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.
One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."
An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until 9:00."


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