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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2018 10:32 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Keep 'em coming, Liam.
And today's Ribbed Tickler:
If I could only watch one film for the rest of my life, it'd be Groundhog Day.
Walshy rang me last night, he said "I've run out of lightbulb jokes Steve, I'm a bit dim." I said, "You can have this one on me, walshy: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?" He said " I dunno." :?
I said, "Bananas." If I could only watch one film for the rest of my life, it's be Groundhog Day. D'you know what, if you laid every Tom Hanks dvd end-to-end, you'd be thrown out of the charity shop. :roll: If I could only watch one film for the rest of my life, it'd be Groundhog Day.
Peter Hucker - Grange Hill's Tucker.
If I could only watch one film for the rest of my life, it'd be Groundhog Day.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11



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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2018 8:26 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window. If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 25, 2018 3:00 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
There's no stopping Liam at the moment!
I was in a pub last night with a Scottish pal - let's call him JD.
I said, "Help us out with this crossword - 17a, stuck on a desert island with no means of escape, 8 letters." He said, "Marooned."
I said, "Cheers - I'll have a pint of best & a large whisky chaser."

Iain Dowie - David Bowie.



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PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2018 12:21 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2007 11:44 amPosts: 162Location: Belfast
I hope the bastard that stole my antidepressants is feeling good about himself



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2018 1:40 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Hello, murf! Keep 'em coming, son....
And with The Pope in Ireland, here's a topical one:
Nothing says "I don't believe in God" more than a bullet-proof
Popemobile!

btw, I saw an article in yesterday's paper, about how Southgate Station (on the London Underground) was re-named Gareth Southgate during the World Cup. This made me wonder....what railway stations (not just on the underground) could be re-named after QPR players?
I'll start it off: (Ian) Holloway Road.
Anybody got any others??



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2018 11:08 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
My wife was away last weekend and she left had some washing to do so I decided to take a taxi to the launderette. The cabbie charged me £38. I feel as if I was taken to the cleaners!


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 30, 2018 11:46 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I fell asleep at a party last night, and some bastard put a teabag in my mouth. Wait til I find out who it was...no-one treats me like a mug. :evil:
Anyway, I just finished reading Chubby Checker's biography; there's a big twist at the end.

And another QPR railway station: (Peter) Crouch Hill.



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PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2018 12:26 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've been seeing a shrink, he's cured me of my obsession with Phil Collins songs. You should see the difference it's made - just take a look at me now..

I went to my local train station, I asked for a ticket from Jermaine to Clarke.
The guy in the ticket booth said- You what?? Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_25
I said- Darlington to Carlisle.

Ron Hunt - James Blunt.



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PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2018 12:12 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've deleted all the German contacts from my mobile; it's now Hans-free.
Some bloke in the pub last night offered me 8 legs of venison for £20,
but I reckon that was too dear. I've been reading Val Doonican's biography;
he was one of the few celebs who didn't want a personalised numberplate on his motor. :oops:

QPR/Underground station: (Alec)Stockwell.



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PostPosted: Sun Sep 02, 2018 5:20 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I'd like a bag. I said "nah, I'll just turn the lights off."

(Peter) Angel
Angel (Rangel)


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 04, 2018 7:18 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I have been married for several years now and was unable to find the wife's G spot until yesterday. Her sister had it!


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2018 11:52 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Liam, that reminds me of the time my girlfriend asked, if I was up for a threesome, which of her friends would I fancy? Didn't realise I was only supposed to pick one! :oops:

And today's Ribbed Tickler:
A ceasefire has been called in the Scallop War; but it could just be the clam before the storm.

[3,000+ views, I see!]



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PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2018 1:47 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Any more seafood jokes? I pulled a mussel laughing at that one!
Anyway, I've taken out a loan with Wonga to pay for an exorcism.
If I don't pay it back, they'll repossess me!



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PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:24 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
No posts anywhere on this MB since Friday....cue tumbleweed!
Mind you, we didn't have a game because of the internationals; there's nothing for the usual suspects to moan about :roll:
Anyway, I've got a bit of a backlog to clear, so empty your colostomy bags, people - you have been warned!
I said to my shrink, "I feel like a supermarket."
He said, "How long have you felt like that?"
I said, "Since I was Lidl."
I've been sacked from my job on the dodgems; I'm going to sue them for funfair dismissal.
I had my first cage fight yesterday; beat the shit out of my budgie.

And the posh French bird from the Ferrero Rocher ad said,
"M'sieu, wiz all zese ribbed ticklers, you are really spoiling us."



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PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 5:19 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I had a problem with premature ejaculation and decided to make an appointment to see a doctor. When I got there the receptionist told me I had come a day early!


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