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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Sat May 29, 2021 12:37 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Here's a stock of ribbed ticklers that should get you all through the long Bank Holiday weekend; I've been thinking these beauties up all week ("nicked off of this morning's Tony Blackburn Show", shirley? - ed.)

Muggers stole my anti-depression tablets.
I don't know who they are, but I hope they're happy now. :P

I bumped into an old ex-girlfriend, Cherry.
She tole me she'd married a bloke called Jim Cake (think about it.....) :lol:

Ever tried blindfold archery?
You don't know what you're missing.
:lol: :lol:



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PostPosted: Wed Jun 02, 2021 11:07 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A man stole my pet rabbit.
He was caught making a run for it.... 8)

2 men broke into a bathroom scales factory.
Police caught them after they gave themselves a weigh..... :roll:


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity - I just can't put it down.
:shock:



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 03, 2021 11:29 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 577
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly"


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 03, 2021 11:32 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 577
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Jimmy, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Jimmy says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 04, 2021 9:35 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
These "2 elderly gentlemen".....wouldn't be you & Dubliner, by any chance? :wink:

Anyway, Steve Russell rang me last night, he said "Steve son, you know that Young Kerrins? Well, he's just got a new job in a bowling alley."
I said, "Tenpin?"
He said, "No - it's full time." :roll:

Newsflash:Gregg's Bakery have announced plans to make deliveries by drone.
All sounds very pie-in-the-sky to me. :P

And here is some travel news: Park Lane is closed to traffic. Three houses are being taken down, to make way for a hotel. 8)

Stand by more ribbed ticklers tomorrow, mirth fans, after I hoover up the best gags on the Tony Blackburn Show.



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PostPosted: Tue Jun 08, 2021 9:18 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Pop legend Bonnie Tyler is 70 years young today!
I rang her up, I said "Bonnie, will you be having a Celebration?"
She said, "No Steve, I'm holding out for a Hero."
All my own work.......
8)



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PostPosted: Tue Jun 08, 2021 9:26 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Vincent Price was taller than Katie Price.
He was also heavier than Alan Price.
I got all this from a price comparison website.

Ever since I went to the local stables, I've been dreaming about horses.
It's been 5 nights on the trot now.

Never fall for a tennis player - love means nothing to them.




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PostPosted: Fri Jun 11, 2021 12:25 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
My wife didnt believe me when I said I was making a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

An Eskimo knocked on my door.
I sent him away - I don't like cold callers.

Rabbit hutch salesmen....they'll give you a run for your money.


Now, it must be someone else's turn by now; over to you........



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PostPosted: Sat Jun 12, 2021 10:28 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
It was the Queen's birthday honours list during the week, and I'm hopefully there might be a gong in it for me......an OBE perhaps, or maybe even a tap on both shoulders & "For services to comedy, arise Sir Steve." I live in hope.
Anyway, here's the cream of this morning's Tony Blackburn Show:

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.
I'm being stalked. :roll:

I had a bit of insomnia recently, so I bought a record of wasp noise.
That didn't work, so I turned over to the bee side. :P

Just bought a box set of the TV series, Das Boot.
It's all in German, but luckily it's sub-titled. 8)





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PostPosted: Mon Jun 14, 2021 12:27 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Happy Birthday to Boy George, 60 today!
His pet lizard's very partial to curry; it's a (all together now)
korma, korma, korma,korma, korma chameleon. All my own work! :D

The Mamas & The papas have opened a fruit & veg shop;
I bought a lettuce their, but when I got it home,
(sings) all the leaves were brown..... :?

I just saw a sports car being driven by a sheep in a swimming costume.
It was a lamb bikini. 8)

Thought For The Day:
Why aren't Israel & Australia in the Euro's?
After all, they're both in Eurovision.
:?



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