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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2018 11:43 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 577
Went to a St. Pats match with Dubliner a couple of weeks ago, and had a few beers after.
After several pints, Dubliner said:

( I’m certain there are female hormones in beer................................. When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I....I..... cannot control my car.)


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2018 10:51 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 560Location: It's in the Name
Ah yes I remember that match....
We had a few pints before the game and when we went into the stand John seemed to become very unwell really suddenly. He said "Dubliner, I feel sick and dizzy, sitting up here. I think I might just head home"
I asked him "have you got vertigo John?"
"No he said I’m only going to Blanch. (Blanchardstown to the non-Dubliners!)



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2018 1:48 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Esther Rantzen is 78 today, and here to celebrate is her old pal from "That's Life," the late Cyril Fletcher, to say -
I am indebted to Dad's Jokes for this ribbed tickler:
Q: How do you know if that large, aggressive sea creature is an alligator or a crocodile? A: Whether it will see you later, or in a while.
And here is a bonus- I've just been to a meeting of the National Sceptics Society. The bloke in charge said, "I don't believe we've met." I said, "I don't believe you don't believe we've met." :?
Walshy.....



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PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2018 1:41 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
60, 70, 80...phew, what a scorcher!
It's another lovely day - a lovely day, lovely day, lovely day... as Bill Withers used to sing. It was his 80th birthday on Wednesday, which reminds me of the old Comedy Classic-
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Pop him in the oven until his bill withers. Eye thenk-yew.



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PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2018 10:55 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 313
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you
determine whether or not an older person should be put in an Care Home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said.
"A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?" :wink:


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2018 12:02 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Poor old Walshy; he rang me up last night, he said "Steve, I put nitrous oxide in my gravy by mistake,now I'm a laughing stock." That reminded me of the time I rubbed a herb in my eye & ended up parsley-sighted. Anyone know any eye jokes? The cornea the better.......
My Japanese mate never tells a lie, believe Yu Mi. He does backwards origami....more on that as it unfolds.
And the posh bird from the Fererro Rocher ad said, "M'sieu, wiz all zese cutting-edge ribbed ticklers, you are really spoiling us."


I've locked the messageboard, no-one logs off until I get a laugh.... Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_09



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PostPosted: Sun Jul 22, 2018 12:09 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 313
Last night a Chinese bloke came into my local pub.

after a few minutes I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or any other martial arts.

He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”

“No!" I said" "it’s because you’re drinking my fu*king pint " :wink:


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 24, 2018 5:54 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 313
Chelsea fc have extended an invitation to the 12 Thai footballers and their coach to visit Stamford Bridge and attend a Premier league game. A spokes person for the young teenagers has replied..
" after being stuck in a dark dismal stinking shit hole for 2 weeks they have no desire to go to another " Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_01


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2018 10:20 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I went to a Robbie Williams concert last night, I was sat next to an insurance salesman. And through it all, he offered me protection....



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PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2018 12:04 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've just been to a mate's funeral.
He died after drinking a bottle of varnish.
He had a nasty death, but a nice finish.

Then I had a call, to say my pet lobster's been playing up.
When I get home, he'll be in hot water.



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PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2018 6:46 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 577
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 29, 2018 1:05 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 313
I got really emotional at the petrol station this morning.

I don't know why, I just started filling up! :cry:


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 30, 2018 11:00 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A lot of people have texted me say, "Steve, you haven't really got a pet lobster?" Well, I have - would I lie to you?? In fact, I've got lots of exotic pets; for instance, I've got a pet cricket. He was looking a bit down the other day, so I told him- chirrup!



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PostPosted: Mon Jul 30, 2018 6:31 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I was very angry when I left my physio this morning. Someone rubbed me up the wrong way!


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 31, 2018 2:58 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3627Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
The return of Liam!

I've always been a procrastinator, and today I bought a slow cooker.
Dinner should be ready in November.

And the return of celebrity rhyming slang:
Sir Bradley Wiggins - Christopher Biggins.
Walshy.....



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