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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 14, 2021 12:27 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Happy Birthday to Boy George, 60 today!
His pet lizard's very partial to curry; it's a (all together now)
korma, korma, korma,korma, korma chameleon. All my own work! :D

The Mamas & The papas have opened a fruit & veg shop;
I bought a lettuce their, but when I got it home,
(sings) all the leaves were brown..... :?

I just saw a sports car being driven by a sheep in a swimming costume.
It was a lamb bikini. 8)

Thought For The Day:
Why aren't Israel & Australia in the Euro's?
After all, they're both in Eurovision.
:?



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PostPosted: Tue Jun 15, 2021 11:14 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 580
Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 15, 2021 11:16 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 580
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 17, 2021 12:05 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Righto mirth fans, today's my birthday and, instead of you lot giving me presents (some hope), I'm giving you the best present of all - laughter.
Empty your colostomy bags, or you'll p*** yourselves laughing at
STEVE'S BIRTHDAY BONANZA

I was outside a newsagent's & a young boy asked to go in & buy him 20 Richmonds. Cheeky sod, I told him to buy his own sausages.

On a similar topic, I'm glad Iceland's on this Green List; it's such a pain, having to self-isolate every time I go in for a packet of fish fingers.

I hear Air India's changing its name....to Delta Airlines.

My house is haunted; a ghost keeps straightening all the pictures;
it's a spirit level.

My aunt said she's leaving me her antique watch in her will; I hope it's not a wind-up.

Esther......


[/color]



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 18, 2021 11:21 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Somebody just called me pretentious. I said- "Pretentious? Moi??"
I mean to say, you know me. I'm not the sort of person who uses long words,
just to sound perspicaceous.

Any way, after yesterday's jokefest, I'd better ration the gags today.
As my dad used to say, "Leave 'em wanting more, that's the 1st rule of theatre." Great bloke, lousy anaesthatist.



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PostPosted: Mon Jun 21, 2021 12:42 am Reply with quote
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You know your old, when someone asks you how old you are on your birthday, and you can't remember!

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you!


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 22, 2021 9:48 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A policeman friend of mine couldn't get his 3-year old son to take an afternoon nap. So he nicked him, for resisting a rest. :roll:

The wife's leaving me because, because, because, because, because -
she says I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.
We met in a travel agents; she was looking for a holiday, I was her last resort.
:oops:



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 24, 2021 10:29 am Reply with quote
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How do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor. :roll:

I get nostalgic when I put my car into reverse; it always takes me back. :?

Went to a job interview; the bloke asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said no, but I do a stunning version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
:)



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 25, 2021 12:21 pm Reply with quote
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I failed my ventriloquist exam. Can't say I'm surprised. :P

My next-door neighbour blames my gravel for making him fall over;
but I say it's his own silly asphalt. :P :P




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PostPosted: Fri Jun 25, 2021 2:30 pm Reply with quote
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Oh, one more thing......today is June 25th; you know what that means -
SIX MONTHS TO CHRISTMAS DAY !!!!!!
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_24



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PostPosted: Mon Jun 28, 2021 12:09 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
We should be hearing from walshy soon, but until then, here are a few ribbed ticklers to keep you awake.

I had a happy childhood; I remember my dad putting me inside old tyres & rolling me down the hill. They were good years.

Did you hear about the crab that went to a disco?
It pulled a mussel.

I swallowed a lettuce & it got stuck in my throat. So I went to A & E; a nurse had a look and said it was the tip of the iceberg.



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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2021 9:36 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I bought a new deodorant the other day.
The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom."
Now I can barely walk, but every time I fart the room smells lovely.
:oops:



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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2021 9:57 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
And here's a bonus joke - it's topical too - that I lifted off QPR Pride of London on Facebook (if you acknowledge your 'sauce,' it's not plagiarism :wink: )
A Welshman & a Scotsman walk into a bar.
There's no Englishman, he's still at the Euros.
:lol: :lol: :lol:



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PostPosted: Mon Jul 05, 2021 11:50 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I heard on the radio that Patrick Viera was joining The Eagles.
Which surprised me, because I didn't know they were still going,
and I didn't know he was musical. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_25

Have you heard about these new corduroy pillowcases?
They're making headlines. 8)

I hate metaphors that are literally impossible -
they make my blood boil.
:evil:



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PostPosted: Mon Jul 05, 2021 4:04 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Did I already do my deja-vu joke?? Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_09



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