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PostPosted: Mon Dec 14, 2020 12:39 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...

Less than a fortnight until the big day, so high time we opened the 1st door on the Advent Calendar of Doom.
(cue creaking noise, maniacal laughter)
Just reading a guide to pubs in lockdown;
"Substantial Meals," by Scot Chegg.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_28

Thought For The Day:
If alcohol can damage your short-term memory, imagine the damage that alcohol can do.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_24



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PostPosted: Fri Dec 18, 2020 10:48 am Reply with quote
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Time to open another door on.......
THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOOOOM.

Fed up with turkey every Xmas?
Why not try a Wencelas Pizza.
It's deep pan, crisp & even.
(maniacal cackle)



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PostPosted: Sat Dec 19, 2020 11:31 am Reply with quote
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All together now, sing along....It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas -
so let's open another door on.....
The Advent Calendar of DOOM.

My dog ate all the fairy lights off the tree.
He seemed quite pleased with himself - you should've seen his face light up.

Have you heard Dolly Parton's new song? Christmas on the Square.
Is she a Freemason - or has she joined the cast of Eastenders??
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_25



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PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2020 2:43 pm Reply with quote
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So here it is, Merry Christmas, everybody's having fun.....
Well, you won't be having much fun once I've opened today's door on...
THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOOOOM.

Q: Why are Xmas decorations always late for dinner?
A:Because they spend so much time hanging around.
No? OK, try this -
A lorryload of German Christmas cake has gone missing.
Police believe it may be Stollen. :lol:

Oh, and by the way; I've seen my "Zoom" joke on Facebook, I even heard it last Sat.'s Tony Blackburn Show. But did any of the buggers give me credit?
DID THEY HECK. :twisted: Anyway, remember where you heard it first.

OK, here's a bonus for you.
The inventor of predictive texting has died.
Family say the funeral will be hello on sundial.
:shock:



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PostPosted: Tue Dec 22, 2020 2:36 pm Reply with quote
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I always like the Christmas service at church. Last year when I went, the vicar was wearing a false beard, false nose & a wig. When he said, "May the Lord be with you," I thought - that's a blessing in disguise.
Anyway, so this is Christmas, and what have we done? - as John & Yoko once asked. Well, one thing we haven't done today is open the door on...
THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOM (sound effect - creaking noise)
(yes, there's more to come - you don't get off that easy)
Oh look, it's a classic from the Christmas crackers of years gone by:
Q: What's green & goes camping?
A: A boy sprout.
And another-
Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
A: It was stuck to the chicken's foot.



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PostPosted: Wed Dec 23, 2020 12:30 pm Reply with quote
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I've been plagiarised yet again!
First the Internet, then Radio 2.....now Private Eye.
In the latest issue there's a letter from a certain Scot Chegg, and somebody else mentions the Onya Marx joke as well.
I wouldn't mind, if they gave me some credit..... :roll:
still, it just goes to show - I must be the UK's most influential comedian. :P
Anyway, time to open today's door on...........
THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOM.
Q: Why was the snowman looking thru a bag of carrots?
A: He was picking his nose.

Q:What do you call a smelly fairy?
A:Stinkerbell.

Q:Why was Cinderella bad at sports?
A:Because she ran away from the ball.

My walk to the pub only takes 10 minutes, but the walk back takes half an hour...the difference is staggering.

Just managed to have the office Xmas meal in a pub before lockdown; when I was finished, the waiter said "Do you wanna box for the leftovers?"
I said, "No, I cant stand violence of any kind."

Well, that's it for Xmas & 2020, I'm off until Jan 4th.
If anybody wants to take over, feel free.....
I'm off to open a bottle of Prosecco - that's my support bubbles.
(and the posh bird from the Ferrero Rocher ad says - "M'sieu Steve, with all these cutting-edge ribbed ticklers, you are really spoiling us!")
Merry Xmas, everybody!



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PostPosted: Thu Dec 24, 2020 3:52 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 560Location: It's in the Name
John 22 went into town last weekend with Mrs 22 to do their Christmas shopping. With the concerns that shops might be locked-down again all the shops were really busy. The story was the same in every shop with a long slow queue to the checkout.

While Mrs 22 was standing in yet another very long queue in a third shop John said he was going for a wander (as he does), saying he’d be back in a little bit.

After taking Mrs 22 a half an hour to get finished in the shop, John still wasn't back and there was still lots more shopping to do, so Mrs 22 calls him on the mobile asking, "Where the hell are you?"

John answers, "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn't afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"I'm in the pub next to that."



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PostPosted: Mon Dec 28, 2020 2:07 am Reply with quote
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The guy who stole my diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.

I got mugged by 6 dwarves today
Not Happy.

Medical experts are advising fans against wearing face masks with the R’s logo, apparently they provide no defence....



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PostPosted: Tue Dec 29, 2020 3:26 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 580
As the doctor completed an examination of his patient, he said, ''I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.''

''In that case,'' said the patient, ''I'll come back when you're sober''


A 90 year-old man is celebrating his birthday with all the members of his family at the Old Folks Home when in walks a Kissagram Lady.
She walks sexily up to the old Guy and announces that she is going to give him Super Sex.
The old man looks shocked, but replies " Would you mind if I only had the soup"!!


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 31, 2020 12:55 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Dubliner wrote:
John 22 went into town last weekend with Mrs 22....


Dubliner talking about JOHN22 & his good lady wife made me wonder -
have they got a child called Catch? Catch 22 - geddit??
See the Queen's Christmas Speech? You've gotta feel sorry for her, locked away in Windsor Castle with just her support 'bubble' - ie, Prince Philip.
I wonder what her favourite Xmas telly prog was? Mine was Strictly I'm a Celebrity Xmas Masterchef Bake-Off On Ice, Get Me Out of Here.
Yes, mirth fans, I'm back and ready to blow the Christmas cobwebs away with a collection of the finest ribbed ticklers. Like this Xmas cracker leftover:
Q:Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because chickens hadn't been invented.
No? How about...
I've left my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
Or this:
I booked into an escapology course by mistake.
Now I'm struggling to get out of it. :roll:





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PostPosted: Sat Jan 02, 2021 12:28 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 580
A beautiful young girl is about to have an operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check everything is ready.

A man wearing a white coat comes over to her, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 04, 2021 11:57 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Happy New Year, mirth fans & you'll be glad to hear my New Year's Resolution:
to offer up nothing but the very best ribbed-ticklers from now on!
(I also made a resolution to grow a beard; I was unsure at first, but now it's growing on me). Yes, it's out with the old & in with the new - no more tired old Tony Blackburn rejects like- a cheese sandwich walks into a pub, and the barman says get out, we don't serve food! Or even - What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones. No, from now on, it's 24 carat gold comedy classics like this:-
I was a bit lonely in Lockdown, so I decided to get a cat. After looking on the internet, I saw there was a special breed, unique to Holland. My local pet shop was advertising one for sale, so I went & had a look. But it didn't seem any different, so I popped inside and said, "How Dutch is that moggie in the window?"
:lol: :lol: :lol:



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PostPosted: Wed Jan 06, 2021 12:58 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
As Cyril Fletcher used to say on "That's Life," I am indebted to Rick Ferries (aka qprjd) for posting this on Facebook (if you acknowledge your 'sauce,' it's not plagiarism):
This week I have got through a bottle of Dry Martini, a bottle of Dry Sherry & a bottle of Dry Gin. Dry January's really going well so far! :P
Esther......



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PostPosted: Thu Jan 07, 2021 1:26 am Reply with quote
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A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. She responded, ''Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.''

Last May during lockdown, there were clear skies every day and the heat was intense.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Dubliner said; as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 12, 2021 3:50 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 580
An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks."
A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks."
A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks."
An American doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind,...... We just took a man with no brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.


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