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PostPosted: Tue Oct 20, 2020 3:25 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 580
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 23, 2020 12:14 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A woman walked into a pub and asked the barman for a double entendre.
So he gave her one. :oops:

Talking about drink, I'm addicted to brake fluid.
But I can stop any time.
:P



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PostPosted: Thu Oct 29, 2020 10:15 am Reply with quote
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Sorry I haven't posted for a few days, mirth fans, but my account was hacked in to. It's my own fault, I suppose, for using "beef stew" as a password. It's just not stroganoff. :?

Anyway, any Marvel fans out there? I just heard on the news, actor Tom Hollander who plays Spiderman is off to Hollywood to make the film in the franchise. It's been so long coming, he's been climbing the wall.... :lol:



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PostPosted: Fri Oct 30, 2020 11:26 am Reply with quote
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Speaking of walls....I've just been sacked from my job removing graffiti.
But I shouldn't be surprised - the writing's been on the wall for ages.



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PostPosted: Sat Oct 31, 2020 3:20 am Reply with quote
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A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."
The guy looks around again. Nobody.
He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.
"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"
"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 06, 2020 1:37 pm Reply with quote
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Right, mirth fans, I'm having a bit of a clear-out to make room for the jokes in tomorrow's Tony Blackburn Show, so empty your colostomy bags, you have been warned!

I've joined the R.A.F. - hopefully, my career will be taking off.

I'm entering the World's Tightest Hat competition - I hope I can pull it off.

Everyone's heard of Karl Marx, but nobody remembers his sister Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

:lol: :lol: :lol:



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PostPosted: Wed Nov 11, 2020 5:52 pm Reply with quote
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The world tongue-twisting champ has been arrested.
I bet they give him a really tough sentence. :?

My nickname at school was scarface. I was brill at knitting. :)

I've never eaten vegetables in my life, but in honour of John Lennon - who would've been 80 last week, if he'd lived - I thought I'd give peas a chance.



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PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 2020 1:30 am Reply with quote
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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counselling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went and listed every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
Her husband had no time for her, there was a lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, and she felt unloved and neglected.
Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, ”This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.”


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 13, 2020 12:49 pm Reply with quote
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I had mushrooms on toast this morning - the breakfast of champignons.

I told Dubliner that Christmas Day falls on a Friday this year;
he said, "I hope it's not the 13th!" :roll:

They're having trouble organising the Devon & Cornwall rock festival.
They can't decide whether to put The Jam on first, or Cream.



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PostPosted: Tue Nov 17, 2020 4:58 pm Reply with quote
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Here's one fresh off the internet-
Lone Ranger: Can you think of anything worse than being scalped?
Tonto: Not off the top of my head.
:lol: :lol: :lol:



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PostPosted: Thu Nov 19, 2020 1:28 am Reply with quote
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It was postman Georges last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
At the first house on his route, the whole family thanked him for everything, and gave him a €20, in an envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of cigars. The people at the third house handed him a fishing rod, and fishing gear.
At the fourth house a beautiful blonde stood at the open door. She took George by the hand and took him upstairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When they had finished, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice.
Then she poured him a cup of coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a €5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "This has been a wonderful day," he said, "But what's the €5 for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said, “Screw him, give him €5.”
The breakfast was my idea!"


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 24, 2020 1:20 pm Reply with quote
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I hear JOHN's got himself a new geriatric GPS; it not only gets you where you want to go, once you've got there it reminds you why you wanted to go there in the first place. :roll:

Anyway, on to the best of the jokes from The Tony Blackburn Show-
I saw a man struggling to go uphill with a supermarket trolley full of horseshoes, 4-leafed clover & rabbits feet. I thought - he's pushing his luck.

I went to see a shrink because I keep thinking I'm a dog. He asked me how long I'd been like it, I replied - ever since I was a pup. :P

How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
You poke him on - geddit??



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PostPosted: Mon Nov 30, 2020 10:48 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
conjunctivitis.com - there's a site for sore eyes.



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PostPosted: Thu Dec 03, 2020 10:24 am Reply with quote
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I was in an 80's band called Prevention.
We were better than The Cure. :shock:

Patient: I feel like a supermarket.
Doctor: How long have you felt that way?
Patient: Ever since I was Lidl. :oops:

Talking of doctors, I've always wondered - can acupuncture be used to treat
pins & needles??
:?


Last edited by steveqpr881 on Sat Dec 12, 2020 11:17 am, edited 1 time in total.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 12, 2020 3:06 am Reply with quote
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Finally, the boss was compelled to call steveqpr881 into his office.
"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Steve, "I didn't realize it.
You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the neighbour's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps out of bed and says 'I've had enough of this, and she goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says; the dog is still barking, what have you been doing?”
The blonde says 'I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it!'


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