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PostPosted: Mon Aug 10, 2020 11:45 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 580
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear.
Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"
The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."
"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?"
She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 12, 2020 11:06 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
steveqpr881 wrote:

I've ordered some meat from an online German butcher; the pumpernickel's arrived but the wurst is yet to come.
But my biggest internet purchase was a horse. Trouble is, she only comes out after dark. She's a night mare.


Well, the meat finally arrived - but the horse ate it.
It was my wurst nightmare!

The wife said it was the Rangers, or her....I do miss her some times...

Civil servants have wasted £150million on dodgy masks that are no good.
I don't know how they can show their faces in public!
(Have you been mis-sold PPE?) :oops:

Chelsea fans - fancy a holiday in Europe?
You cant beat Munich!!!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:



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PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2020 12:41 pm Reply with quote
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I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday.
She said something big & shiny that'll go from 0 - 150 in about 3 seconds.
So I bought her a new set of bathroom scales. :?

Dubliner said to JOHN22, "Help us out with this pub quiz - what was The Kinks' 1st No. 1 called?" John said, "I don't know, Dubliner, you've really got me there."




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PostPosted: Sat Aug 22, 2020 10:14 pm Reply with quote
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A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year-old, "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you."
"Okay," replies the 4 year-old.
In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, "I'll have Coco Pops, bitch." *WHACK* He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out.
The mother looks at the 4 year-old & sternly asks, "And what do you want?" "Dunno," he replies, "But it won't be fucking Coco Pops."


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2020 7:38 pm Reply with quote
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Son: "Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend!"

Dad: " You know you can do better."

Son: "Oh! Thanks Dad, that means a lot."

Dad: " I was talking to your girlfriend. "



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PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2020 7:52 pm Reply with quote
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‌‌Our w‌‌hole f‌‌amily i‌‌s r‌‌eally w‌‌orried a‌‌bout m‌‌y g‌‌randfather’s V‌‌iagra a‌‌ddiction.

Grandma i‌‌s t‌‌aking i‌‌t p‌‌articularly h‌‌ard.



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 25, 2020 9:35 am Reply with quote
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That Dubliner....he's as bald as a billiard ball, you know.
So last week, he went & had a load of little rabbits tattooed on his head.
The idea is, from a distance, he reckons they'll look like hares.




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PostPosted: Tue Aug 25, 2020 12:13 pm Reply with quote
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When I was baptised, the vicar wore a false moustache.....you could say it was a blessing in disguise.

My talking sheepdog got all the sheep in the pen, and said, "That's all 40 of them in, Steve." I said, "But there's only 39 sheep." He said, "I know - I've rounded them up."



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 25, 2020 10:45 pm Reply with quote
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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Sceptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"
The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 26, 2020 12:47 am Reply with quote
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What is it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction!!


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2020 1:06 am Reply with quote
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Doctor: Ok, so I have two pieces of bad news
Man: Ok what’s the first one?
Doctor: Well, you have cancer.
Man: That’s terrible, what’s the second thing?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer’s.
Man: Well, at least I don’t have cancer!

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in a fizzy orange ocean.
But it was just a Fanta sea.



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PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2020 2:26 pm Reply with quote
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A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a lake, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there.
"Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Off he dashes into the forest. He finds the lake and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2020 1:01 pm Reply with quote
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The Government criticised Extinction Rebellion's threat to bring the country to a standstill over the Bank Holiday weekend. They said that's the job of The Highways Agency.

And with the Eat Out to Help Out scheme coming to an end, pub chain JD Wetherspoon announced that they had run out of ketchup. That should have been easy to see coming, with the benefit of Heinz sight.



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PostPosted: Wed Sep 02, 2020 9:06 pm Reply with quote
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Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"
"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."
"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
Bison!


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 10, 2020 10:09 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A new French restaurant opened in town, so I thought I'd give it a go.
I ordered the Chicken Napoleon - not a dish I'm familiar with.
Well, when it arrived, it was all bones, hardly any meat.
So I had a word with the waiter, and he said "That's why it's called Chicken Napoleon, we only use the bony part."
:roll:



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