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PostPosted: Tue Jun 30, 2020 2:55 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
JOHN22 told his wife "We should embrace our mistakes."
So she gave him a big hug. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_07

Liam crossed a racing pigeon with a woodpecker. When it comes home, it knocks on the door. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_02

Dubliner tried his hand at baking in the lockdown. He wanted to make a meal using every type of herb. But he ran out of thyme.

Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_04



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PostPosted: Fri Jul 03, 2020 12:40 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
We should've been into Wimbledon & Glastonbury by now.
And they've both got one thing in common; the Brits are usually out after the first day.

You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh & Beck.

With ice-cream vans still affected by lockdown, there's a big protest planned in London on Saturday. Police expect a big turnout - hundreds & thousands.



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PostPosted: Fri Jul 03, 2020 11:24 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 580
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet'. 'Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee'.
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
'Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree'. 'Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don't forget". "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree'
'Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?'
'Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...'
'Ees, a Ham Bush!'


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 07, 2020 12:45 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Even Ronnie Corbett would've lost patience at that marathon effort, JOHN!
This lot haven't got the attention span - they need something short & snappy, like - Val Doonican, the only man in show biz who didn't want a personalised number plate.
Or: I saw a man throw a load of Scrabble tiles on the pavement; I asked him - what's the word on the street?
Or even: A man threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me; luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.
And there's more. Dubliner was very upset, he didn't know what 'apocalypse' means. I said cheer up -it's not the end of the world.
Every one a winner.
Thought for the day: Never have sex with a retarded midget. It's not big and it's not clever.
And the posh bird in the Ferrero Rochet ad says..... m'sieu Steve, wiz all zese top-quality ribbed ticklers, you are really spoiling us!



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PostPosted: Tue Jul 07, 2020 3:23 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 580
Steve I'm taking your advice!!

Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some crisps and sweeties.

Jack's heart rate went through the roof,

and Jill got diabetes!

Short and Sweet!


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 10, 2020 12:07 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I went up to S.A. Road the other day, and who should I bump in to but Sir Les, and he was limping! Hello Les, says I, what's wrong with the leg? Alright Steve, it's an old injury I picked up in 'nam. Les, I said - puzzled - you were never in Vietnam were you?? He said don't be daft, Steve, not Vietnam - Tottenham.



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PostPosted: Tue Jul 14, 2020 9:58 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
We wont be hearing from Dubliner for a while.
He sat on a lathe & gave himself a nasty turn ( Two Ronnies)

A lorry carrying snooker gear has shed it's load on the M25.
There are cues everywhere. (Tony Blackburn Show)

Poor JOHN, his wife's just left him & she took all his Bob Marley LPs and the
satellite dish. It's a case of No Woman, No Sky.

I drove up a hill and round a corner that had a school on it.
You could say it was a steep learning curve.



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PostPosted: Wed Jul 22, 2020 12:40 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it'd make him go faster;
but if anything, it just made him sluggish.

There's a new word in the English language; punnet. It's the collective noun for a group of people sitting down for a Zoom conference - a as in, a
punnet of sat zoomers.

I knocked myself out sleepwalking - somebody called a somnambulance.



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PostPosted: Thu Jul 23, 2020 11:04 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 580
A man makes his way to his seat at Wembley. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone is sitting there.
He responds, "No, the seat's empty."
"The first man exclaims, "What? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA cup final and not use it?"
The neighbour responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first FA cup Final we haven't been together."
The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that, wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?"
The neighbour responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2020 10:53 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 580
Yesterday is ashes; tomorrow wood. Only today does the fire burn brightly.

You never really know your friends from your enemies until the ice breaks.

He that boasts of his own knowledge proclaims his ignorance.

If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 27, 2020 12:42 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Very wise, grasshopper.
(He's been at the fortune cookies again, I see.)
Here's another one: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. :oops:

Anyway, the wife to me, she said "You never buy me flowers."
I said, "I never knew you sold 'em."

That reminds of our wedding. It was a very emotional day. The wife was crying, her mother was crying.....even the cake was in tiers.

I bought a dog from a blacksmith. An hour after I got him home, he was making a bolt for the door.





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PostPosted: Fri Jul 31, 2020 10:15 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 580
"I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"

"I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since."

"Did you hear the rumour about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"

"I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 03, 2020 10:49 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Ever since lockdown started, I've been doing a lot of on-line shopping.
I ordered a Dave Clark Five record online, but it must've broken in transit;when it arrived it was in Bits and Pieces.
I've ordered some meat from an online German butcher; the pumpernickel's arrived but the wurst is yet to come.
But my biggest internet purchase was a horse. Trouble is, she only comes out after dark. She's a night mare.
Esther......



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2020 2:06 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Right, here's a good 'un, and it's topical; cribbed off of the Internet.
Q: Which bus takes you from Hounslow to Wembley and back?
A: The Brentford team bus !
:lol: :lol: :lol:



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PostPosted: Thu Aug 06, 2020 5:21 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Just back from the optician. I am told I now have clour blindness. I was shocked. It came as a bolt out of the purple.


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