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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Sat May 16, 2020 10:05 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 560Location: It's in the Name
One frosty morning last winter John22 texted me "Windows frozen!"
I texted him back: "what’s the big deal just our some warm water over it."
A few minutes later he texted me again: "Computer really shagged now“


A brave shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber yesterday with her labelling gun.
Police say the man they’re looking for has a price on his head.


A wooly jumper I bought online was picking up static electricity, so I sent it back. They sent me another one, free of charge.



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PostPosted: Wed May 20, 2020 12:23 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 580
Two Irish couples decided to swop partners for the night.
After 3 hrs of amazing sex,
Paddy said, “I wonder how the girls are getting on?”

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."


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PostPosted: Sun May 24, 2020 11:10 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
The police stopped Paddy last night and asked him where he was between 6 and 11. Paddy replied "Primary School"


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PostPosted: Wed May 27, 2020 3:50 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A man has trained his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
It didn't take him long - he went from Barking to Tooting in less than an hour.



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PostPosted: Fri May 29, 2020 1:34 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Did you know that when a woman wears a leather dress

A man's heart beats quicker

His throat gets dry

He gets weak in the knees

And he begins to think irrationally

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new golf bag!


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PostPosted: Fri May 29, 2020 12:37 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Since he was put on furlough, JOHN22 decided to keep fit by walking 5 miles a day. He started 7 weeks ago, and now he has no idea where he is.
Dubliner, on the other hand, started to insulate the roof of his house but he's lost enthusiasm lately; he's lagging a bit.
Liam's Norwegian cruise was cancelled & it was a blessing in disguise; he couldn't really fjord it.



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PostPosted: Sun May 31, 2020 2:05 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 580
Forty gypsies arrived at Heavens gates.
St Peter said we’ve only got room for twelve, so decide amongst yourselves who’s coming in
5 minutes later St. Peter said to God…there gone!
God said, “all forty of them?”

St Peter said, “No, the fu**ing gates!!
---------------------------------------------------------

Dubliner, came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing!


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 03, 2020 3:39 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
The Coronavirus has really taken it's toll on businesses here.
The kennels has had to call in the retrievers, the local branch of Dyno Rod has gone down the drain and the ice cream seller was found dead, his head covered in raspberry sauce, a flake and hundreds & thousands; he couldn't take any more, he topped himself.



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 05, 2020 1:02 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I made a curry last night & put Ginger in it. That made the wife & kids cry.....they loved that cat.
Oxygen and magnesium.......OMG.
I passed a car with a sticker in the window that said, "I'm a vet, so I drive like an animal." I thought, there must be a lot of gynaecologists on the roads.
That's it for now, mirth fans, I'll be back on Monday with the cream of tomorrow's Tony Blackburn Show.......



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PostPosted: Mon Jun 08, 2020 12:14 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 580
The Seven Dwarfs have been told that from Monday they can meet in groups of six.
One of them isn't Happy!

I told my suitcases that there will be no holiday this year.
Now i'm dealing with emotional baggage.

This morning at the post office, while i was in line, two people with masks entered.
TOTAL PANIC!
Then they said, "This is a robbery".......and we all calmed down.......


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2020 12:42 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Liam, sorry to be pedantic, but Douglas Bader wasn't one of The Dambusters....wouldn't Guy Gibson be more appropriate? Just don't mention his dog. :oops:

Now, I've shocking news for you....I've been ripped off - by Tony Blackburn, no less!! :evil:
There I was, sat down for breakfast Saturday morning, cuppa in one hand, pen in the other, waiting to jot down his best offerings (although the quality's been very poor of late) when what should I hear but my "dog playing the trumpet on the underground" joke. Needless to say, it was the funniest joke on the show, but here's the rub - Tone never gave me no credit for it. Now that, in my book, is plagiarism. Acknowledge your sauce, that is paying homage; pass it off as your own, that is a rip-off. OK, I've been using Tony's stuff for years - decades, in fact - it's high time he had one back. Fair enough - he could've given me the credit, that's all I'm saying. "I got this ribbed tickler from comedy genius Steve Masters" or something like that - wouldn't have hurt him, would it? :twisted:

Any way, rant over, here's the pick of the TB Show jokes;
I went to a Chinese restaurant, but my meal was spoilt by a bird that kept looking at me from behind a door. I mentioned it to the waiter, but he said, "Ignore it - it's just a Peking duck."

A friend of mine won Dentist of the Year. But all he got was a little plaque.
:wink:



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PostPosted: Tue Jun 16, 2020 11:12 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
JOHN22 wrote:

The Seven Dwarfs have been told that from Monday they can meet in groups of six.
One of them isn't Happy!



Sorry to be pedantic (again), but one of them IS Happy - it's the other six who aren't. :roll: Maybe they should start a group - The Not-Happy Mondays?

Anyway, did you hear about the explosion at the French cheese factory?
There was debris everywhere. Bit subtle for ya? Ok, try this; what do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto. I'm glad the shops have opened, I bought myself a new blindfold.....but I cant see myself wearing it.



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2020 12:29 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Right, you have been warned, I've been saving them up, so empty your colostomy bags now, mirth fans, coz you'll be pissing yourself with laughter in about 10 seconds at Steve's Birthday Extravaganza of Mirth.

A milkman threw a pint of milk at me - I thought, how dairy.
8 out of 10 people who have a fear of hurdles never get over them.
Never fall in love with a girl who only knows 4 vowels; she wont know u exist.
My wife left me for a limbo dancer - how low can you go?
What do get if you cross an artist with a policeman? A brush with the law?
And finally, Ronnie - I used tippex instead of liquid Viagra and had a massive correction.
Eye thenk-yew.



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PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2020 1:21 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3668Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I'm reading a horror book, in braille.
Something terrible's about to happen, I know - I can feel it.

The Government has asked various medical experts for their opinions about lifting Lockdown. Allergists are in favour of scratching it, but dermatologists are against any rash moves. Pathologists said over my dead body and paediatricians said just grow up.
Any more, people? Over to you.......



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2020 9:16 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 580
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

An American tourist walks out of a Mexican train station when he notices he isn't wearing his watch. A Mexican man is resting under a sombrero under a nearby tree.
The American approaches the Mexican and asks, "Excuse me, do you know what time it is?"
The Mexican looks at the donkey, grabs its balls, and replies, "4:30."
The American asks, "How do you know that?" The Mexican replies, "Well you get a handful of the donkeys balls and lift them up so you can see that clock across the street."


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