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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 12, 2021 10:30 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I asked my teenage daughter to pass me the phone book;
she just laughed, called me a dinosaur and gave me her iphone.
So.....now the spider's dead, her iphone's cracked & she's not talking to me.
:shock:


Last edited by steveqpr881 on Tue Apr 13, 2021 11:10 am, edited 1 time in total.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 13, 2021 9:08 am Reply with quote
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JOHN22 went to see a shrink, he's been diagnosed with a fear of giants-
feefiphobia.
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 15, 2021 11:14 am Reply with quote
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The Apple store in Reading has been robbed.Police are appealing for iWitnesses.

Showbiz News: Arnold Schwarzenegger is to make a film about classical music.
He'll be Bach.
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 16, 2021 10:29 am Reply with quote
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I'm dating twins!
Mind you, it's not to tell them apart.
Lisa's got long, blonde hair.
And Barry's got a beard.
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 17, 2021 10:07 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 571
BELIEVE IT OR NOT:

Human beings get rich as they grow old:
Silver Hair;
Gold in Teeth;
Sugar in blood;
Precious stones in Kidney;
And a never-ending supply of Gas!


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 19, 2021 11:48 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 571
Dubliner was sending texts to everybody yesterday:

To the person who stole my shoes while I was on the bouncy castle.

Fu**ing grow up!


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 20, 2021 12:33 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Reading the obit of Martin Fitzmaurice, who used to call out the scores on tv darts matches, reminds mne of this golden oldie.
A team of nuns was playing darts in a pub.
One nun stepped up to the oche, threw & hit triple 20.
She threw her 2nd dart & hit 20.
She threw her 3rd dart which hit the wire, bounced out & hit her right between the eyes!
As she fell to the ground, the chalker called out-
"One nun dead, and eighty."
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 22, 2021 2:26 pm Reply with quote
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I hear Dubliner's taken up fishing.
He uses liquorice for bait - catches all sorts.



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PostPosted: Fri Apr 23, 2021 10:28 am Reply with quote
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Still in the sea, I hear that JOHN22 has started a new business, catching sharks.
It's not cheap to run - it's cost him an arm & a leg.
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 24, 2021 10:36 am Reply with quote
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Dubliner hasn't posted for a while & I was getting a bit worried. So I rang his old mucker, JOHN22. I said, "JOHN, what's happened to Dubliner?"
He said, "Well Steve, he got a new job as a mime artiste, and I haven't heard from him since."



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PostPosted: Tue Apr 27, 2021 12:27 am Reply with quote
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Daughters text to Dad:

Daddy I’m coming home to get married soon, so get your cheque book ready.
LOL, as you know I’m in Australia and he’s in the U.S.
We met on a dating site, became friends on Facebook and had long chats on Whatsapp.
He proposed to me on Skype and now we’ve had a 2 month relationship on Viber.
Dad I need your blessing, good wishes and a really big wedding. Lots of Love, Lily

Dad’s reply:

My dear Lily. Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever…..
I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, register for your stuff on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal.
And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay, lots of love, Dad


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 27, 2021 12:29 am Reply with quote
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Jamaica enters the vaccine race with their RASTA ZENICA.

It is not as effective as the others, but after the second dose you don’t care anymore…….


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 28, 2021 12:02 pm Reply with quote
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Dubliner's run out of colouring books.
can anyone give him a shoulder to crayon??



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PostPosted: Wed Apr 28, 2021 4:13 pm Reply with quote
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steveqpr881 wrote:
Dubliner's run out of colouring books.
can anyone give him a shoulder to crayon??

I lie low for a while and the Joke thread goes to pot....
Steveqpr881 of all people plagiarising one of my old jokes....
“ My wife is an artist and when she’s sad I let her draw things on my body.
I give her a shoulder to crayon.”

Anyway seeing as I’m here:
I had been at the pub till midnight.
When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I got undressed, switched off the lights and started to sneak up.
"What the feck are you doing?" asked the bus driver.

I carried out a survey recently, I asked people what soaps they use
3% said they use whatever’s cheapest, or available.
5% said they use dove.
92% responded with “How did you get in? And why are you watching me having a shower!?”



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PostPosted: Wed Apr 28, 2021 4:39 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Dubliner wrote:
Steveqpr881 of all people plagiarising one of my old jokes....


I like the "of all people" - some call me the arch-plagiarist!
In my defence, Dubliner, all I can say is that I heard it last Saturday's Tony Blackburn Show....maybe HE plagiarised you!!??
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