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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 21, 2021 2:09 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 571
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and she is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant--about four months would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?" Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and stared outside. About five minutes passed before the mother said, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?"
The doctor replied, "No, not at it. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'm not going to miss it this time around!"


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 22, 2021 10:00 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
William Shatner - yes, Star Trek's Captain Kirk - is 90 years old today !
(see separate thread) & to celebrate, here's a special Star Trek-themed joke:
Q: How many ears has Captain Kirk got?
A: 3 - one left ear, one right ear and (ALL TOGETHER NOW)
one final front ear.
Beam me up!!
:P



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PostPosted: Mon Mar 22, 2021 2:14 pm Reply with quote
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.....it's humour, Jim, but not as we know it. 8)



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PostPosted: Tue Mar 23, 2021 11:43 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Two rats having a conversation.
One asked "Have you had a vaccination yet?"
The other replied *No. They are still testing it on humans!"


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 23, 2021 12:33 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Welcome back Liam!

People say my house is haunted, but I've lived there over 200 years and never noticed anything.

And here is some traffic news-
a lorry has shed it's load of fruit on the M1, police say there's a large jam.



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 26, 2021 2:45 pm Reply with quote
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The wife woke me up with her snoring - FFS, I said - are you trying to get us killed? as I grabbed hold of the steering wheel.

And talking about driving, here is a traffic bulletin:
The M1 is closed, after a lorry shed it's load of ladders.
Police are taking steps to clear it.

And finally, Ronnie - some rhyming celebrities.
Sean Derry - Chuck Berry.
Clint Hill - Buffalo Bill.



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PostPosted: Sat Mar 27, 2021 10:00 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 555Location: It's in the Name
Day 121 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

Day 125, my wife and I had this long pointless argument as to which vowel is the most important.
I won.

I see the UK has new ‘Rule of Six’ guidelines on Social gathering so you can now have an outdoor meet-up with 6 people without issues.
I don't even know 6 people without issues.

My mother always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I’m saving the world!



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PostPosted: Mon Mar 29, 2021 9:26 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I see British cycling is embroiled in another doping row;
well, whaddaya expect? After all, it's full of peddlars. :lol:

It's British Summer Time again, and soon we'll all be wearing flip-flops.
They were invented by a Frenchman, Philippe Ferlop.
Not a lot of people know that..... :lol: :lol:

And here is a Traffic Bulletin:
The M1 is blocked, after a lorry shed it's load of ladders.
Police are taking steps to clear it.
:lol: :lol: :lol:



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PostPosted: Thu Apr 01, 2021 9:20 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I took advantage of the easing of lockdown to get a bloke in to stain my porch.
But he did a lousy job - he'll never darken my door again. :evil:

Today is the anniversary of the French nobleman who invented gravy - the Count of Monte Bisto. :P

Question: When will all these rhetorical questions end??
:roll:



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PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2021 1:18 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 571
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I dont think I can get hard, I just got laid this morning!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A down and out drunk sat down next to a priest in the underground station. His clothes were in rags and he had a half-empty bottle of gin sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes he turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 06, 2021 10:09 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
"It's a perfect day"...... as Lou Reed once sang.
Saturday was pretty much a perfect day for me; had my 2nd Covid jab in the afternoon, then got home just in time to hear that Chelse had been stuffed 5-2 by West Brom. :lol: :lol:

Anyway, I rang JOHN22, I said - John, do you have trouble concentrating?
He said - Sorry Steve, what was that? I was miles away. :roll:

Those so-called Hot Cross Buns, what a rip-off.
I bought a pack in Tesco's & they were stone cold. :x

There was a knock on the door, and when I opened it a little man was standing there. he was only 3" 3' tall. "Hello," he said - "I'm the metre man."

And here is some Traffic News: There's a heavy jam at Fulham Broadway, the road is blocked by a broken-down team - Chelsea. :P



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PostPosted: Thu Apr 08, 2021 9:52 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Went to a comedy club & there was a lizard on stage, on its hind legs,telling jokes. It was a stand-up chameleon. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_03

I bought one of those Tesla cars recently & it's still got that 'new car' smell.
I think its Elon Musk.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11



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PostPosted: Thu Apr 08, 2021 3:02 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
David Beckham's son turned up for football training.
He asked the coach, "What number shirt am I?"
The coach replied, "Wear 4 out there, Romeo."



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PostPosted: Sat Apr 10, 2021 10:51 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've decided not to become a magician.....it was tempting at first, but now I'm disillusioned. :x



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PostPosted: Sun Apr 11, 2021 1:34 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 571
Steveqpr881 is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss" noise, but every so often there is a "Pop!" noise.
"Wait a minute!" says the Steve. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every tenth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"


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