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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 23, 2021 11:29 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Someone's been adding extra soil to my allotment....the plot thickens.

I thought a dog would lift my spirits during lockdown, so I bought one off a magician. It's a crossbreed - a labracadabra.



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PostPosted: Fri Feb 26, 2021 1:20 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 571
A WOMAN’S POEM:

He didn’t like the casserole, and he didn’t like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard, not like his mother used to make.

I didn’t make the coffee right, and he didn’t like my stew.

I didn’t fold his pants, the way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer, I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him, like his mother used to do!


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 26, 2021 11:55 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Dubliner wrote:
A man has been shot with a starting pistol.
Police are pretty sure it's race related



The suspect is Onya Marx, shurely??

I've been learning how to kayak. The instructor said, if it turns over I can just wear it like a hat; because it's cap-sized.

Seen the new campaign about the benefits of eating dried grapes?
It's all about raisin awareness. 8)

And, today's top tip:
Chelsea fans - no need to waste money on expensive replica strip!
Just strap a large plastic penis to your forehead, and everyone will know which team you support. :lol: :lol: :lol:



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PostPosted: Mon Mar 01, 2021 11:50 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Dubliner asked me to preview his act for Stars in Their Eyes.
So I had a look (via Zoom, of course), but it didn't go well.....
I had to tell him that throwing a Frenchman's hat across the room wasn't a good "Chuck Berry" act. :roll:

I'll tell you what, if there's one place I can't stand, it's the ice rink.



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PostPosted: Tue Mar 02, 2021 11:15 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Would anybody like to buy my copies of Chiropractice Monthly?
I've got loads of back issues. :roll:

And here's a quiz to blow away those cobwebs:
What (admittedly tenuous) W12 connection do pop stars Elton John &
Rag 'n' Bone Man have in common?
There's a drink (once lockdown's over) for the first correct answer......



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 05, 2021 12:22 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 571
I think I might have seen both of them in The White Horse, but I may have been drunk?
Steve i loved your visit to the clairvoyant on the other thread.

A woman got onto the plane, sat down and took out her Bible.
After a while a man sitting next to her turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by the whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 05, 2021 1:56 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
JOHN22 wrote:
I think I might have seen both of them in The White Horse, but I may have been drunk?


No other guesses? That's a poor effort....I admit, it's a toughie, but still, we Rs fans are up for a challenge, shurely??.

Anyway, you know who makes me cross? Lollipop ladies. :evil:

My doctor thinks I'm paranoid.
Well, he didn't say as much, but I know he was thinking it.
:twisted:



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PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2021 11:22 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...

Anyone see the Harry & Megs interview?
Me neither. :roll:
Read the spoiler - apparently, life in the palace made her think of suicide.
And I don't mean Crystal Palace.
Meg luv, you should try being an Rs fan, you'd have topped yourself years ago. Decades.


Just had a Tweet from Piers Morgan.
It said "Steve, you know I'm your No.1 fan - well, when I read this, I thought I'd use it on Good Morning Britain. It was just meant to be a throwaway remark, but look what happened - I got the tin tack. You'll be hearing from my solicitors." oops!
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11


Last edited by steveqpr881 on Wed Mar 10, 2021 1:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 11, 2021 1:25 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 555Location: It's in the Name
The guy who stole my diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.

Cosmetic surgery used to be a pretty taboo subject.
Now you mention botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow.

There was an accident at the glass factory today.
Onlookers could Only describe the scene as "paneful to watch”

... and finally, Steveqpr881 told me that he once got to act in a porno film,
he played the husband that went to work.



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 12, 2021 10:02 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Dubliner wrote:
... and finally, Steveqpr881 told me that he once got to act in a porno film,
he played the husband that went to work.


That's too surreal for me, Dubliner...... :shock:

Anyway, how do they move the furniture around in the Weather Office?
They use four castors - forecasters, geddit??
:P



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PostPosted: Sat Mar 13, 2021 1:23 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 571
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically.
He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.
No amount of talking was helping.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!"


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 17, 2021 1:36 pm Reply with quote
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Hank Marvin Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11 is thinking about changing his name.
He's fed up with people offering him a sandwich, every time he introduces himself.



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 19, 2021 10:05 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Well, another year's passed & it's time once more for Steve's Comic Relief.
"What's it all about, Steve?" you ask; simples.
Every view of this thread comes with a voluntary* £5 donation so that I can buy a new joke book. A great cause, I'm sure you'll agree.
Anyway, here is today's ribbed tickler:
I was knocked off my bike by the Council salt-spreader.
"You idiot," I shouted, through gritted teeth.
Keep that money coming, mirth fans......


( *- donations cannot be refunded)



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 19, 2021 11:52 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
btw, tune into tomorrow's Tony Blackburn Show, Sounds of the 60s,
on BBC Radio 2 (88 to 91 FM), during the week I emailed him a joke that he might just read out......
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_12



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 19, 2021 1:33 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3608Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I was going to give up Viagra for Lent this year, but I wasn't sure if I could keep it up. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_23



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