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Independent Rs • View topic - The new, IMPROVED joke thread!
 
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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 24, 2021 10:36 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3735Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Dubliner hasn't posted for a while & I was getting a bit worried. So I rang his old mucker, JOHN22. I said, "JOHN, what's happened to Dubliner?"
He said, "Well Steve, he got a new job as a mime artiste, and I haven't heard from him since."



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PostPosted: Tue Apr 27, 2021 12:27 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 589
Daughters text to Dad:

Daddy I’m coming home to get married soon, so get your cheque book ready.
LOL, as you know I’m in Australia and he’s in the U.S.
We met on a dating site, became friends on Facebook and had long chats on Whatsapp.
He proposed to me on Skype and now we’ve had a 2 month relationship on Viber.
Dad I need your blessing, good wishes and a really big wedding. Lots of Love, Lily

Dad’s reply:

My dear Lily. Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever…..
I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, register for your stuff on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal.
And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay, lots of love, Dad


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 28, 2021 4:13 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 561Location: It's in the Name



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PostPosted: Wed Apr 28, 2021 4:39 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3735Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...



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PostPosted: Thu Apr 29, 2021 12:04 am Reply with quote
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Blackburn you say his name is Steve... obviously a man of taste!
Anyway I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant the other day, thinking about how duckling means little duck.

So, I canceled my order of dumplings.

.. and while I was sitting there who do I see but John22, of all people, running down the road with a cape on.
“John” I yelled “Are you really a Superhero?”
“No!!” He shouted “I haven't paid for my haircut !!”



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PostPosted: Thu Apr 29, 2021 12:01 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3735Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Reading Steve Russell's interview with Nils Guy reminds me of the golden oldie: Q - Which country has the most animal doctors?
A - Vietnam; every American TV show or film you watch, some one always says they're a Vietnam vet. :roll:
Anyway, my boss said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I've got a hunch it could be me. :(
What are your favourite elements?
Oxygen and potassium, they're O K.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11



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PostPosted: Wed May 05, 2021 12:33 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3735Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Here is the Shipping News:
A boat carrying red paint and a boat carrying blue paint have collided.
Both crews are marooned.
:lol:



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PostPosted: Sat May 15, 2021 10:30 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3735Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...

I've just made my own TV show, about hay fever.
All episodes are streaming now.


Last edited by steveqpr881 on Sat May 22, 2021 10:20 am, edited 2 times in total.


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PostPosted: Mon May 17, 2021 12:23 pm Reply with quote
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Steve Russell rang me the other day. He said, "Steve, there's this horse running in the 3.15 at Haydock, have a punt, nag's called Landfill." So I had a Lady Godiva on it, but Landfill came in last. It was a rubbish tip.

I'm worried about my calendar.....it's days are numbered.

The Devon & Cornwall Rock Festival has been cancelled.
They couldn't agree who went on first, Cream or The Jam.

And the posh bird from the Ferrero Rocher ad says...…
M'sieu, wiz all zese robbed ticklers, you are really spoling us!




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PostPosted: Mon May 17, 2021 11:02 pm Reply with quote
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A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry.
As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "What, a little old tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent.
"Whoah! What's that over there man?" asked the Texan.
The driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."


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PostPosted: Tue May 18, 2021 9:01 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 561Location: It's in the Name
I asked John22, “after 50 years of marriage John, you still call Mrs22 darling, beautiful, and honey. What’s your secret?”
John: “I forgot her name about 5 years ago and I’m too scared to ask her.”

Many, many years ago, my teacher asked me to make up a sentence using the words defence, defeat and detail:
“When a horse jumps over defence defeat go first then detail.”

Cyclops: the sound a depressed horse makes when it runs

.... and finally, I went to the zoo and there was a baguette in a cage.
The keeper said it was bread in captivity.... I’ll close the door after me.....



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PostPosted: Tue May 18, 2021 11:44 am Reply with quote
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..... and news just in; Ryanair has recorded a loss of €815M...

A spokesperson said “it was just €9.99 to begin with, then all the additional charges came in....”



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PostPosted: Thu May 20, 2021 2:53 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3735Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Right, you lucky people, here's a bonus joke - fresh off of Facebook.
The PM has warned people to take the new COVID Indian variant seriously.
Have your Pun jab when it's offered. You wouldn't want to fall into a korma.
Protect the elderly - especially your naan.
:lol: :lol: :lol:



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PostPosted: Sat May 22, 2021 10:32 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3735Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...



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PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2021 9:19 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3735Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Well, I suppose you all saw Eurovision? What a fiasco!
What happened was, 5 minutes before I was due on stage, the head of the UK delegation took me to one side; he said, "Look Steve son, you can't tell that joke, it's too smutty - this is a family show." I protested, but in vain; he said, "If you go on and try to tell that joke, I'll have to pull you off." And he had the nerve to call me smutty!"
So with almost no notice, the only joke I could pull out of the bag was this:
"I started dating during Lockdown. I thought it'd be hard, but actually it was a walk in the park." Topical, I thought, but all I got was the dreaded "Angleterre nul pwoints." That is your actual French.
Winner was Mikka Moomin of Finland, with:
My elk's got no nose. How does he smell? Awful.
What a travesty. Anyway, I said to the boss, never mind, I'll do better next year.
He said, "Next year? There won't be a next year for you, sunshine. If we wanted filfth like that, we'd have got Bernard Manning."
Well, that's showbiz for you......
Anyway, back to reality & here's one from Saturday's Tony Blackburn Show:
A jump lead walks into a pub. The barman says - I'll serve you, but don't start anything. Eye thenk-yew.



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