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Independent Rs • View topic - The new, IMPROVED joke thread!
 
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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 13, 2021 12:41 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3735Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Here is a newsflash:
The Metropolitan Police reported finding a man's body floating in the Thames.
His name won't be released until his family is notified.
The man was wearing a Chelsea replica shirt, black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, pink g-string and purple lipstick. He also had a cucumber inserted where the sun don't shine. To spare the family any unnecessary distress, the police have removed his Chelsea shirt.



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PostPosted: Tue Sep 14, 2021 1:34 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 589
A dog walks into the unemployment office and asks a man behind the desk if he would help him find work.
The man, astonished at the sight of a speaking dog, replies, "I think I can help you." The guy was immediately on the phone to the circus to find out if they could use the dog in their routine.
The dog overhears some of this conversation and says, "I hate to interrupt, but what would the circus want with a brick layer?"


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 14, 2021 11:28 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3735Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Speaking of dogs, JOHN's been in the doghouse, ever since he said to the missus, "Let me tell you what mansplaining means." :oops:



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PostPosted: Thu Sep 16, 2021 10:32 am Reply with quote
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* - wrong on so many levels.

Here is a traffic newsflash:
A lorry full of terrapins & a lorry full of tortoises have collided on the M1.
It's a turtle disaster.



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PostPosted: Fri Sep 17, 2021 12:42 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3735Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
As we edge, inexorably, towards the "200,000 views" milestone, here is today's ribbed tickler. A friend of mine said, "I don't really do jokes, but I do know a story about an elephant who packed her bags & said goodbye to the circus."
I said, "Will you tell it?" He said, "Not on your nellie."



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PostPosted: Fri Sep 17, 2021 10:13 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 589
A long distance lorry driver, had been on the road for a couple of weeks.
He came into this town, and went to the nearest brothel.
He put €300 down on the counter, and said to the Madam. “Give me the biggest fattest, ugliest woman and a toasted cheese sandwich!”

She said for that money I could give you a beautiful slim young girl, and a three-course meal.
Madam, he said. “I’m not horny, I’m just homesick!!


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 18, 2021 10:19 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3735Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
It's that day of the week you all dread ("look forward to, shirley??") -
Saturday. Yes, that means it's time for the pick of the jokes from today's Tony Blackburn Show. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_24

Like this ribbed tickler:
I couldn't work out how to wear my seat belt;then it clicked.
No? Well how about this:
I was in a restaurant, and the waiter hit me with a prawn cocktail.
He said, "And that's just for starters."
:lol: :lol:


199,594 views for this thread - and 64 for "PM for Steve Russell only"



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PostPosted: Mon Sep 20, 2021 12:18 pm Reply with quote
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We're through the 200,000 views barrier!!! :-o

And to celebrate...
the wife said I'm obsessed with Rod Stewart lyrics;
I said I don't wanna talk about it.
:?



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PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2021 12:00 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3735Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Q: What do you call a magician who's lost his magic?
A: Ian.

I just heard that Sunday was "International Talk Like A Pirate Day" (yes, that's a real thing!) so here is a pirate joke:
Q: What's a pirate's favourite shop?
A: Aaaargos.

another. just one thing
That's just one thing after another.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11



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PostPosted: Wed Sep 22, 2021 3:17 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3735Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I fear for my calendar....it's days are numbered.
Speaking of which, did you hear about the man in court for stealing a calendar?
He got 12 months.



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PostPosted: Thu Sep 23, 2021 10:57 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 589
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"
Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the roads and sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week already, and your daughter fell twice!"


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 24, 2021 11:22 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3735Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've had to give up my job on a human chess board.
It was mainly knights, so I pawned it off to someone else. :?

My friend's a contortionist, he can twist his body into the shape of a pair of glasses. He loves to make a spectacle of himself.
:roll:



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PostPosted: Sat Sep 25, 2021 10:21 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3735Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
957 views for the "Message for SR ONLY" thread - come on people, we can get up the thousand mark over the weekend! And don't forget to say who you are (fat chance) :roll:

Anyway, it's the best day of the week for this thread, the day I put up some of the best jokes on this morning's Tony Blackburn Show. Empty your colostomy bags mirth fans, here they come....
I saw a sheep in a swimsuit,driving a luxury car.
It was a lamb bikini. :?

What about all these fuel shortages?
I've been banned from local petrol station, for playing The Who too loud;
I won't get fuelled again. :lol:

And finally.....The Great British Bake Off has unveiled it's new theme song:
Elvis Presley's 'In The Gateau.'
:D



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PostPosted: Mon Sep 27, 2021 8:38 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 589
There have been rumours, speculation and innuendos that Jim Gregory manipulated the attendances at Loftus Road, back in the day.

But now there are rumours, speculation and innuendos spreading, that the figures on the Joke thread are being manipulated also.
I don’t know who’s spreading the rumours, or who’s responsible if the rumours are true, but apparently it’s common knowledge that the Joke thread surpassed the 200,000 mark on 20th Sept.

But on 27th Sept. just 7 days later, it’s 16,000 more ………………………that’s, 2,285 per day and I wasn’t even using a 1967 calculator as it seems someone else is, or are they??
At this rate it is calculated that in 12.5 weeks, 400,000 views will be achieved, by 20th Dec. just in time for Xmas.
A little over 3 weeks after that its celebration time as the half million mark is achieved!
That’s a lot of jokers, or are they just having a laugh???


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 28, 2021 11:20 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3735Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...



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