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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 26, 2021 12:50 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3717Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I went into my local music shop, I said, Have you got any plectrums?"
The bloke said, "Yes, over there - take your pick."



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PostPosted: Tue Jul 27, 2021 1:07 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3717Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Another great day for Team GB!
Which reminds me of the London Olympics, a while ago now....
At the opening ceremony, I saw a bloke with a long stick over his shoulder.
I went up to him & said, "Are you a pole-vaulter?"
He said, "No, I'm a German. And my name is not Valter." :?

Anyway, with all this hot weather we've been having, I just bought a
Motown air conditioner. It keeps the room at 3 degrees - four, tops.
That should get me gold in the Mirth Olympics! :lol: :lol: :lol:



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PostPosted: Thu Jul 29, 2021 12:45 pm Reply with quote
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I've just got into the latest Olympic sport - blindfold archery. If you've never tried it, you don't know what you're missing. :?

Interesting fact: today is the anniversary of the first publication of "Lord of the Rings." I've never read any of the books, but I believe they're hobbit-forming. :P

And finally (Ronnie): I need to find a new home for a dog. It's a small terrier & barks a lot. Let me know if you're interested & I'll jump over the neighbour's fence & get it for you. :wink:

Now, with the Olympics on, surely it's time somebody took the baton from me...……..



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PostPosted: Fri Jul 30, 2021 12:36 pm Reply with quote
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Still on the Olympics....this rowing event, the women's coxless pair -
surely that's just stating the obvious?? :?

I read the other day that silver is good for fighting the coronavirus.
So I asked my GP if there was anything in this, he said -
"Swallow a half-crown 3 times a day, you should get some change." :wink:

And finally, in the immortal words of Cyril Fletcher off of That's Life -
I am indebted to Chris P Tenner for this (if you acknowledge your "sauce," it's not plagiarism - anyway, he never comes on here)
The friendly at Ebbsfleet was cancelled at half-time, when it rained hard & the pitch was flooded. Shame we didn't bring on our subs.
:P



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PostPosted: Sat Jul 31, 2021 10:55 am Reply with quote
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More Olympic gold for Team GB this morning, in the new sport of trampolining.
They started off badly, but soon bounced back! :lol:

Speaking of trampolining, reminds me of the time Dubliner replaced his bed with a trampoline; his wife hit the roof! :lol: :lol:

Straight off this morning's Tony Blackburn Show, they don't come much fresher than that......OK, when I say fresh - they're years old.... :oops:




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PostPosted: Tue Aug 03, 2021 1:54 pm Reply with quote
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….still on the bed jokes..... I bought a waterbed, but I had to get rid of it.
Me & the wife were drifting apart. :oops:

Anyone hear this morning's Ken Bruce Show, on Radio 2?
He told my "pole vaulter" joke - badly, I might say.
And he didn't even give me credit for it.
:twisted:



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 04, 2021 12:28 pm Reply with quote
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Good luck to Team GB in this afternoon's Tight Hat-Wearing event.
I hope they can pull it off.



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PostPosted: Fri Aug 06, 2021 11:39 am Reply with quote
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There's a new event in the Olympics today -
Scarecrow Wrestling.
I don't fancy Team GB's chances;
they'll be clutching at straws.



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PostPosted: Sat Aug 07, 2021 10:32 am Reply with quote
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Tom Daley made a big splash in this morning's event!
Tell you what, I'll be glad when the Olympics are over, the strain of coming up with a topical joke every day is beginning to get a bit much. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_09
I got that joke off of today's Tony Blackburn Show; he played a Val Doonican song, and I wondered - why did Val Doonican never want a personalised numberplate?? :roll:
Anyway, we're expecting a full house at the KP today, as expectant Rs fans wait to see if the boy Lenny turns out. Now, you all know what hooligans Millwall are, so a word of advice;don't wear a QPR shirt, wear the colours of a neutral team - say, West Ham. They should leave you alone......
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11



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PostPosted: Mon Aug 09, 2021 12:57 pm Reply with quote
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Well, at last that's it - the Olympics are over for another 4,er 3 years. :?
At least that means I don't have to come up with a topical joke every day -
yes you've guessed it - back to the regular tosh! :P
Mind you, Dubliner rang me last night. He said Steve, me & JOHN22 are thinking of going in for the next Olympics. I said you could call yourself Team NBG. That went right over his head..... :roll:
I said listen me old son, just because you've got athlete's foot, don't get delusions of grandeur - there's a bit more to it than that. He said JOHN fancies going in for the Paralympics.....but with my fear of heights, I'm not jumping out of no plane. What can you do with them??

Anyway,as I said we're back to normal service, and here's one I nicked off of Peter Kay.
A woman goes to see her GP, she says every time she sneezes, she has a massive orgasm. The Doc says What are you taking for it?
She said - pepper. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Now, THAT deserves gold in the mirth Olympics.



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 10, 2021 1:20 pm Reply with quote
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Right, I've just discovered this one in the back of my notebook, so despite what I said yesterday, here comes one more Olympic joke. I promise it's the last. I entered the suntan olympics; I got bronze. 8)

If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges, please get in touch; my door is always open. :?

conjunctivitis.com - there's a site for sore eyes.
:P



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 11, 2021 11:10 am Reply with quote
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Isla St Clair, Barry White & Bryan Ferry have formed a supergroup.
They're going under the name Isla-White-Ferry.

Thought For The Day: All generalisations are wrong.



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PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2021 12:17 pm Reply with quote
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The boss asked me if I believed in the afterlife.
When I said I did, he said just as well - when you were at your granny's funeral yesterday, she rang asking for you.
:oops:



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PostPosted: Sat Aug 14, 2021 11:06 am Reply with quote
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I took my girlfriend to the ice rink - I had free tickets.
Now she thinks I'm a cheap skate. :oops:

I've got a dead budgie for sale. Not going cheap.
:P



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PostPosted: Mon Aug 16, 2021 10:02 am Reply with quote
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I used to like to go to a farm & look at the machinery.
But it doesn't appeal to me now....I'm an ex-tractor fan. :shock:

The wife said, "Will you ever stop being so indecisive?"
I said, "I don't know....maybe." :?



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