Author Message

INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Post new topic  Reply to topic

PostPosted: Mon Jun 28, 2021 12:09 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3726Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
We should be hearing from walshy soon, but until then, here are a few ribbed ticklers to keep you awake.

I had a happy childhood; I remember my dad putting me inside old tyres & rolling me down the hill. They were good years.

Did you hear about the crab that went to a disco?
It pulled a mussel.

I swallowed a lettuce & it got stuck in my throat. So I went to A & E; a nurse had a look and said it was the tip of the iceberg.



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on BBC Radio 2
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2021 9:36 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3726Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I bought a new deodorant the other day.
The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom."
Now I can barely walk, but every time I fart the room smells lovely.
:oops:



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on BBC Radio 2
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Mon Jul 05, 2021 11:50 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3726Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I heard on the radio that Patrick Viera was joining The Eagles.
Which surprised me, because I didn't know they were still going,
and I didn't know he was musical. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_25

Have you heard about these new corduroy pillowcases?
They're making headlines. 8)

I hate metaphors that are literally impossible -
they make my blood boil.
:evil:



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on BBC Radio 2
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Fri Jul 09, 2021 2:01 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3726Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've got a new job at the local zoo,cheering up depressed monkeys.
I'm always there when the chimps are down.

Speaking of animals, my garden's over-run with mice.
So I sprayed them with WD40 - it doesn't kill them, but it stops them from sqeaking.

A friend of mine used to married to the woman who was the voice of the speaking clock. But now they're divorced, she won't give him the time of day.



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on BBC Radio 2
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Mon Jul 12, 2021 12:32 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3726Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Last night's game.....I'm gutted. Suppose they're having a Bank Holiday in Scotland, to celebrate? Got a good mind to call Domino's, order a large Hawaiian with EXTRA pineapple & have it delivered to the Italian Embassy. That'll piss 'em off. :twisted:

Hear about the bloke who worked in an upholstery factory & fell into one of the machines? He's now fully recovered.





_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on BBC Radio 2
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Wed Jul 14, 2021 12:31 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3726Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
3 Lions on my shirt....that's the last time I get out of the car at Whipsnade Zoo.

My girlfriend Lorraine left me; she found out I was cheating on her, with Claire Lee. There's a song in there.....I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on BBC Radio 2
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Fri Jul 16, 2021 12:31 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3726Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've been researching my family tree, and it turns out my great, great granddad died at the Battle of Little Big Horn.
He wasn't in the U.S. Cavalry, he was camping in the next field & went over to complain about the noise!
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_04



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on BBC Radio 2
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Fri Jul 16, 2021 7:59 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 314
A woman wakes up after having a vaginal tuck to find three bunches of flowers on the window sill
One from her surgeon to say "All went well"
One from her husband to say "He loved her and to get well soon "
And one from Tommy in the Burns ward to say ,"Thanks for the new Ears! "


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Mon Jul 19, 2021 10:53 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3726Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
walshy wrote:

[color=#800000]And one from Tommy in the Burns ward to say ,"Thanks for the new Ears! "
[/color]


Was that Tommy Burns??
Anyway, welcome back walshy & on that theme.....
Did you hear about the Irish gynaecologist who was struck off?
He kept asking his patients, "How's the craic?"



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on BBC Radio 2
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Mon Jul 19, 2021 11:28 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3726Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
That last post has been brought to my attention.
Apparently, some people found it offensive.
Well, all I can say is, my account must've been hacked.
I hope that Steve Russell will launch a steward's enquiry.
Here,to prove my bona fides,is an absolute, 24 carat gold-plated ribbed tickler:

How do you congratulate an exceptional clairvoyant?
Well done, medium.



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on BBC Radio 2
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Mon Jul 19, 2021 4:27 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3726Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Here is a late extra, before I go to the pub to celebrate "Freedom Day" (1st drink's on Boris, I believe).
There's nothing worse than getting a Cranberries song stuck in your head, in your heeeaaad.......



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on BBC Radio 2
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Mon Jul 26, 2021 12:50 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3726Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I went into my local music shop, I said, Have you got any plectrums?"
The bloke said, "Yes, over there - take your pick."



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on BBC Radio 2
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Tue Jul 27, 2021 1:07 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3726Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Another great day for Team GB!
Which reminds me of the London Olympics, a while ago now....
At the opening ceremony, I saw a bloke with a long stick over his shoulder.
I went up to him & said, "Are you a pole-vaulter?"
He said, "No, I'm a German. And my name is not Valter." :?

Anyway, with all this hot weather we've been having, I just bought a
Motown air conditioner. It keeps the room at 3 degrees - four, tops.
That should get me gold in the Mirth Olympics! :lol: :lol: :lol:



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on BBC Radio 2
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Thu Jul 29, 2021 12:45 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3726Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've just got into the latest Olympic sport - blindfold archery. If you've never tried it, you don't know what you're missing. :?

Interesting fact: today is the anniversary of the first publication of "Lord of the Rings." I've never read any of the books, but I believe they're hobbit-forming. :P

And finally (Ronnie): I need to find a new home for a dog. It's a small terrier & barks a lot. Let me know if you're interested & I'll jump over the neighbour's fence & get it for you. :wink:

Now, with the Olympics on, surely it's time somebody took the baton from me...……..



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on BBC Radio 2
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Fri Jul 30, 2021 12:36 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3726Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Still on the Olympics....this rowing event, the women's coxless pair -
surely that's just stating the obvious?? :?

I read the other day that silver is good for fighting the coronavirus.
So I asked my GP if there was anything in this, he said -
"Swallow a half-crown 3 times a day, you should get some change." :wink:

And finally, in the immortal words of Cyril Fletcher off of That's Life -
I am indebted to Chris P Tenner for this (if you acknowledge your "sauce," it's not plagiarism - anyway, he never comes on here)
The friendly at Ebbsfleet was cancelled at half-time, when it rained hard & the pitch was flooded. Shame we didn't bring on our subs.
:P



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on BBC Radio 2
Offline Profile

Display posts from previous:  Sort by:

All times are UTC [ DST ]
Page 26 of 29
434 posts
Go to page Previous  1 ... 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29  Next
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests
Search for:
Post new topic  Reply to topic
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum