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Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2021 12:51 pm
by steveqpr881
It's back - bigger & better than before!
The fred they couldn't kill.
Back because YOU demanded it, mirth fans.
Since the old m/board went down, I've been swamped with literally hundreds of e-mails - well, a couple.
OK, I'll be honest, none at all. Not a sausage.
But they all said the same thing - life's just not the same without a daily ribbed tickler.
So off we go, 3rd time lucky & let's see how long it takes us to get back up to 200,000+ views.
This is how it all started -
My friend Marge is ill. In fact she's been ill so long, she's thinking of changing her name to
"I can't believe I'm not better."
We just had Hallowen & I went to a Glen Campbell-themed fancy dress party;
I didn't know whether to go as a witch or tall linesman.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2021 1:05 pm
by steveqpr881
OK, I've got quite a backlog to clear, several weeks' worth of Tony Blackburn Shows
("you think them up all yourself, shurely??" - legions of adoring fans),
so here's a bonus joke:
I went to see my GP, I said "I think I'm a moth."
The doc said, "Well, I cant help you, see the psychiatrist next door."
I said "I know, I was on my way there, I only popped in here because the light was on."
And the woman from the Ferrero Rocher ad said........
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Fri Dec 03, 2021 9:44 am
by steveqpr881
Hang on a minute - only 11 views??
& some of them'll be me.
"private message for kerrins" has got more - it's outrageous!!!
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Sat Dec 04, 2021 10:33 am
by steveqpr881
Hey, I've discovered how to get colour for my messages. We're back to blue. 
Has anyone seen my pack of giant playing cards?
If you haven't, it's no big deal.
Heard about the contortionist who can bend his body into the shape of a pair of glasses?
He just loves to make a spectacle of himself.
I've been told it's illegal to drive without headlights when it's raining in Sweden.
Which is a problem - how do you what the weather's like in Sweden?? 
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Wed Dec 08, 2021 12:44 pm
by steveqpr881
I see we've finally passed "message for kerrins" in terms of number of views; on to 200,000 now......
Anyway, Christmas is almost upon us, so it's time once to open (sound effect - creaky door opening)
THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOOOOOM. 
What about this petrol shortage? Chris Rea's started walking home for Christmas!
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Tue Dec 21, 2021 10:51 am
by steveqpr881
Welcome back, Dubliner - and with some cutting edge ribbed ticklers.
You know, as a comic, Dubliner is often compared to Tommy Cooper;
people are always saying, "He's nowhere as funny as Tommy Cooper." 
Dubliner decided to buy his good lady wife a food processor, but he had trouble deciding which one to buy;
he spent ages doing the whisk assessment.
Good news - I managed to get a crate of beers for a penny under 20 quid;
this Xmas, I'm gonna party like it's £19.99!
btw, I've been ripped off - yet again; heard my "tinsellitus" joke on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show today.
Didn't get a word of credit, but they obviously read this fred. 
Anyway, for almost the last time this year we once more open......
THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOM.
I opened a Christmas card, and a load of rice fell out.....
it was from Uncle Ben.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Wed Dec 22, 2021 9:38 am
by steveqpr881
I was tucking into one of Mr. Kipling's deep filled mince pies yesterday, and it made me realise what a multi-talented genius he is.
How he finds the time to bake his exceedingly good cakes and write all those poems & books is beyond me.
For instance, he wrote "If" - which Telly Savalas took to the top of the charts in the 70s;
plus he wrote the screenplay for Disney's The Jungle Book - he deserved an Oscar for that, shurely??
Oh, I'm the king of the swingers.....but enough about my personal life, time once more to open the door on
THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOOOOM.
And it's a Christmas Classic:
It's Christmas Eve on the Death Star, and Darth Vader says to the evil emperor (aka ESSEX),
(sound effect - heavy breathing) "I know what you've got for Xmas, my emperor, I felt your presents."
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2021 10:42 am
by steveqpr881
449 views - will we crack the 500 barrier before Christmas??
Anyway, for the very last time this year,(you'll be relieved to hear),
it's once more time to open the door on........THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOM.
Here's one I heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show this morning; they ripped off my tinsellitus joke,
it's only fair that I return the favour: Who delivers presents to all the little baby sharks? Santa Jaws! 
A friend of mine has just retired from his job making Xmas decorations;
he had a glittering career. 
And finally, Ronnie: I'll be spending Xmas Day as I always do;
first I'll prune the hedge, then I'll have lunch with all the trimmings.
QPR rhyming slang: Frank Sibley - Vicar of Dibley.
Thought For The Day: I see why icy is so easy to spell.
A very Merry Xmas one & all, see you again after Christmas.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2021 9:19 am
by steveqpr881
steveqpr881 wrote: ↑Thu Dec 23, 2021 10:42 am
449 views - will we crack the 500 barrier before Christmas??.
Yes - 844 views!!
Anyway, you'll be relieved to hear that we've opened all the doors on the advent calendar of doom,
so now it's time to bring you a selection fo gags from the best Xmas present I got this year-
The Tony Blackburn Joke Book!
Q: How do you stop your mouth from freezing, in this cold weather?
A: Grit your teeth.
My local corner shop has been broken into, and 20 cases of Red Bull were stolen;
how do these people sleep at night??
Interesting Fact: England's first turkey was eaten by King Henry V111, in 1523.
QPR rhyming slang: Lilly Allen - Kevin Gallen.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Tue Jan 04, 2022 10:48 am
by steveqpr881
I'm back - after a dose of COVID!!!!
I'm OK Now, my 7 days self-isolation are up.
Have to say, it was nothing; the day before I tested Pos I had a slight cold,
which may have been Covid; but even if it was, no big deal.
So the joke-fest resumes, and I've got a bit of a backlog to clear,
so empty your colostomy bags people.......
Q:How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Banana.
I'm dating identical twins at the moment, but it's easy to tell them apart;
Debbie has blonde hair, Sam's got a beard.
I just opened my 2022 calendar, but the 5th month is missing;
I'm dis-Mayed.....
Thought For The Day:
If I could only watch 1 film again ever, it'd be Groundhog Day.
And some QPR Rhyming Slang:
Trevor Sinclair - (Sir) Tony Blair.