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Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Posted: Thu May 09, 2024 12:03 pm
by steveqpr881
Time once more to don the velvet smoking jacket, channel the spirit of the late Cyril Fletcher
(off of That's Life), turn to the camera, simper and say -
I am indebted to Daniel Wells (aka dannyboy urs off the old offy m/b) for this ribbed tickler-
it's not plagiarism if you acknowledge your 'sauce' (oh, just get on with it - ed.)
The missus said I'm financially irresponsible and gullible; wait until I tell her I've won the Nigerian lottery!

What do we want?
Procrastination.
When do we want it?
Not right now.....
:?

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Posted: Fri May 10, 2024 10:32 am
by steveqpr881
I've just left my job in the luminous ink factory.
The boss game me a glowing reference.
:D

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Posted: Sat May 11, 2024 9:19 am
by steveqpr881
I don't know if you listen to the Tony Blackburn Show -
eh? what's that? You don't need to, because I tell all his jokes on here -
well that's true, but this morning, Tony told one of mine! And here it is:
With all this warm weather we're having, I b ought a rocket salad yesterday;
but it went off before I could eat it!
Good enough for Tony, good enough for you lot. :D

Sylvester Stallone has been married twice, but both ended in divorce.
The first marriage was rocky, the 2nd was rocky too...... :?

Top Tip: Kid people you've got jaundice, by adding iodine to your bathwater!

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Posted: Mon May 13, 2024 7:30 am
by steveqpr881
Anybody see Eurovision? No, me neither;
Anybody know who won it - or care? No, me neither.

Anyway, with all this nice weather we've been having, I decided to buy some new plants for the garden.
I went to the local garden centre, and who should I see - Michael J. Fox!
I knew it was him, he had his back to the fuschias. 8-)

I've only just found out my dad was a mime artist for over 50 years!
He certainly kept that quiet.....
:?

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Posted: Tue May 14, 2024 10:36 am
by steveqpr881
I've lost my job as a tandem sky-diver.
I was always falling out with people.....
:?

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Posted: Wed May 15, 2024 9:32 am
by steveqpr881
The person who invented the Ferris Wheel never met the inventor of the Merry-Go-Round.
They moved in different circles. 8-)

Top Tip:
Fishermen -use licquorice as bait, you'll catch all sorts.
;)

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Posted: Thu May 16, 2024 1:10 pm
by steveqpr881
I know you lot won't take umbrage at this - because you don't know what umbrage means 8-)
Last night, the missus said she's leaving me, because of my obsession with Wham.
I said wake me up before you go, go.
:P

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Posted: Fri May 17, 2024 10:24 am
by steveqpr881
Everyone in my street wears woolly jumpers.
We're a tight-knit community.
8-)

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Posted: Mon May 20, 2024 9:55 am
by steveqpr881
I've just invented an alarm clock that, when it goes off doesn't ring - it swears. :o
You're guaranteed a rude awakening!
:D

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Posted: Tue May 21, 2024 10:57 am
by steveqpr881
I'm disappointed to have been dropped from the Scrabble team. :o
Disappointed? Words fail me!
:lol: