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Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Thu May 09, 2024 12:03 pm
by steveqpr881
Time once more to don the velvet smoking jacket, channel the spirit of the late Cyril Fletcher
(off of That's Life), turn to the camera, simper and say -
I am indebted to Daniel Wells (aka dannyboy urs off the old offy m/b) for this ribbed tickler-
it's not plagiarism if you acknowledge your 'sauce' (oh, just get on with it - ed.)
The missus said I'm financially irresponsible and gullible; wait until I tell her I've won the Nigerian lottery!
What do we want?
Procrastination.
When do we want it?
Not right now..... ![Confused :?](./images/smilies/icon_e_confused.gif)
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Sat May 11, 2024 9:19 am
by steveqpr881
I don't know if you listen to the Tony Blackburn Show -
eh? what's that? You don't need to, because I tell all his jokes on here -
well that's true, but this morning, Tony told one of mine! And here it is:
With all this warm weather we're having, I b ought a rocket salad yesterday;
but it went off before I could eat it!
Good enough for Tony, good enough for you lot.
Sylvester Stallone has been married twice, but both ended in divorce.
The first marriage was rocky, the 2nd was rocky too......
Top Tip: Kid people you've got jaundice, by adding iodine to your bathwater!
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Mon May 13, 2024 7:30 am
by steveqpr881
Anybody see Eurovision? No, me neither;
Anybody know who won it - or care? No, me neither.
Anyway, with all this nice weather we've been having, I decided to buy some new plants for the garden.
I went to the local garden centre, and who should I see - Michael J. Fox!
I knew it was him, he had his back to the fuschias.
I've only just found out my dad was a mime artist for over 50 years!
He certainly kept that quiet..... ![Confused :?](./images/smilies/icon_e_confused.gif)
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Thu May 16, 2024 1:10 pm
by steveqpr881
I know you lot won't take umbrage at this - because you don't know what umbrage means
Last night, the missus said she's leaving me, because of my obsession with Wham.
I said wake me up before you go, go. ![Razz :P](./images/smilies/icon_razz.gif)
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Fri May 24, 2024 10:49 am
by steveqpr881
Happy Birthday Bob Dylan, 83 today! Just thought I'd mention it......
When I was a kid, my dad used to put me inside old tyres & roll me down the hill -
they were the good years.
Thought For The Day:
Saying 'let that sink in' after you've said something does not make it any more profound.
Let that sink in. ![Uber Geek :ugeek:](./images/smilies/icon_e_ugeek.gif)
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Tue May 28, 2024 11:00 am
by steveqpr881
I once asked my dad if he could explain what a solar eclipse was.
He said, "No, son."
The Burning Question:
Why oh why was the QE2 Bridge named after the famous ship??
Interesting Fact:
Janet Keiller, who invented marmalade, was an ancestor of tv gardener* Monty Don!
Well I never.
(*- when I say tv gardener, I mean he's a gardener who's on tv, not that he's a gardener & a transvestite.)
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Wed May 29, 2024 7:21 am
by steveqpr881
I've got a new job, helping out a bloke who fixes potholes.
When he can't do it, I fill in for him......
Interesting Fact:
Bumf is military slang, short for bumfodder, or toilet paper.
QPR Rhyming Slang:
Marcus Bean - James Dean.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Thu May 30, 2024 10:15 am
by steveqpr881
My 3 sons have won the Pogoing Championship for the 3rd year running!
That's 3 on the bounce!!
Top Tip:
Never fall asleep on a cross word - you'll wake up with a puzzled expression. ![Surprised :o](./images/smilies/icon_e_surprised.gif)
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Fri May 31, 2024 9:40 am
by steveqpr881
My local library has started lending vegetables.I thought - that's a turnip for the books.
Interesting Fact:
Legally, ice cream vans' chimes must last no more than 12 seconds.
Well I never!
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Mon Jun 03, 2024 7:42 am
by steveqpr881
A friend came round the house, I offered him a coffee.
He said, "Is it instant?" I said, "I'll be as quick as I can."
I've just written my autobiography, but I can't find a publisher who's interested.
That's the story of my life.... ![Wink ;)](./images/smilies/icon_e_wink.gif)