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Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Tue Feb 08, 2022 11:23 am
by steveqpr881
steveqpr881 wrote: ↑Mon Feb 07, 2022 1:16 pm
btw, put a joke up on this thread, and win £5!!
No takers yet,I see
Anyway, here is today's ribbed tickler:
I've been offered a place at the leapfrog academy - naturally,I jumped at the chance.
And today's top tip: Got insomnia? Just sleep on the edge of the bed, you'll soon drop off.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2022 3:47 pm
by steveqpr881
A man knocked on my door, he said "Help us out, guv, I haven't eaten in 3 days."
I said to him, "Could you manage a cold rice pudding?" He said he could.
So I said, "Well come back tomorrow, it's still warm."
JOHN22 rang me last night, I said hello John, where you been?
He said "I've just come out of the Henry Ford Clinic, Steve."
I said, "Henry Ford? Don't you mean Betty Ford??"
He said "No, it's similar, but they don't let you out until you've built a car."
Thought For The Day:
To the man who invented the zero - thanks for nothing.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Fri Feb 11, 2022 4:08 pm
by steveqpr881
Me & some mates went down the park for a game off football;
but when we got there, the equipment had been taken away.
I don't know how they can move the goalposts like that.
Thought For The Day:
Are people with a photographic memory born that way, or does it develop over time??
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Sat Feb 12, 2022 10:36 am
by steveqpr881
My mate keeps going on about how good his orthopaedic shoe is;
but I think he's just building it up.
I gave my young son a torch,but he swallowed it!
Still, it was worth it, to see his little face light up.
Thought For The Day:
Remember, you are unique; just like everybody else.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Mon Feb 14, 2022 12:24 pm
by steveqpr881
Dubliner rang me this morning, he said
"Steve, it's Valentine's Day, how many roses do you think I should give the wife-
1, a dozen......or the whole tin?"
I said, "Chocolates are old hat, can you not think of anything else?"
He said, "Well last year I booked us a table for 2 - but it turned out she doesn't play snooker."
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2022 11:50 am
by steveqpr881
Dubliner rang me back yesterday; said he'd taken the wife to a posh hotel where they have a roof-top golf course.
They were putting on the Ritz.
Any way, I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits;
he said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "Well, I can do most days, but Tuesdays are out....."
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2022 2:02 pm
by steveqpr881
I've not had much luck with work lately;
I tried a new job, answering other peoples' phones -
but it turned out it wasn't for me.
Then I went to work for a tarmac company, but they went bust-
they'd reached the end of the road.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Tue Feb 22, 2022 4:05 pm
by steveqpr881
I drove past 2 packets of crisps today; I pulled up & said, "Do you want a lift?"
They said, "No thanks - we're Walkers."
The other day, I accidentally kicked the dog, and it bit me in the bollocks!
I told a mate this, and he said, "It must be karma."
I said, "No, if anything it's even angrier."
Top Tip: Save electricity, turn off all your lights & walk around the house wearing a miner's helmet.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Wed Feb 23, 2022 9:22 am
by steveqpr881
Stop me if you've heard this before (we've heard 'em all, Steve - ed.)
it sounds a bit familiar, don't know if I've already posted it -
it's deja vu all over again. Anyway, I told my GP I felt like a pack of cards;
he said, "Shuffle over there, I'll deal with you later."
I went to the Millwall game the other week, I told one of their fans he's not a real Cockney;
he said he was, and threatened to kick me down the apples & oranges.