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Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Mon Feb 19, 2024 10:09 am
by steveqpr881
Just bought a cross-breed dog from a magician; it's a Labrcadabra. 
Top Tip:
Want to look 10 years younger?
Take your glasses off before you look in the mirror. 
Don't you just hate it when people answer their own questions?
I do!! 
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Wed Feb 21, 2024 10:23 am
by steveqpr881
If anybody needs a lesson in double entendre, I'd be happy to give you one 
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Thu Mar 21, 2024 10:25 am
by steveqpr881
Time to once more channel the late Cyril Fletcher off of 'That's Life,'
smooth down my velvet smoking jacket (get on with it! - ed.),
turn to camera & simper, "I am indebted to Daniel Wells, aka
dannyboyurs off the old offy m/b, who posted this on Facebook yesterday
- if you acknowledge your 'sauce,' as QBP used to say, then it's not plagiarism
(it'd better be worth it, after this build-up - ed.)
I've just ordered a book off Amazon, "How Not To Be Ripped Off." Only £150!!
And,as it's National Poetry Day, here to celebrate is a poem what I have wrote specially:
I opened my fridge
And what did I see?
My pet budgie
Smiling at me.
I thank you.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Tue Apr 02, 2024 11:11 am
by steveqpr881
Got a backlog of Easter jokes, courtesy of Tony Blackburn 
I stepped on a hot cross bun & got an electric shock - a currant ran up my leg.
Went to the doctor, I said I feel like a chocolate Easter bunny;
he said how do you mean? I said hollow inside.
Interesting Fact:
Soul singer Marvin Gaye was born on this day in 1939;
he played drums on Motown's 1st US No. 1, 'Please Mr. Postman,' by The Marvelettes.
And a bonus Interesting Fact (M'sieu, you are really spoiling us!)
The weekend's Chelsea v Burnley game had 51 shots; only 1 Premiership game has had more,
52 in QPR v Leicester, November 2014
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Tue Apr 23, 2024 1:11 pm
by steveqpr881
Happy St. George's Day, everyone!
And it's also William Shakespeare's birthday - Shakespeare walked into a tavern & the barkeeper said, "You're bard."
Shakespeare once fancied a holiday in Devon, but he couldn't decide where, exactly - Torbay, or not Torbay?
And in a similar vein - he used to write his plays using a pencil, but he couldn't decide - 2B, or not 2B.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Thu Apr 25, 2024 12:06 pm
by steveqpr881
I was pulled over in my car by Old Bill yesterday!
The copper said, "Would you blow into this bag please, sir."
I asked him why, he said, "Because my chips are too hot."
Interesting Fact:
Half of the World's bluebells grow in England.
It is an offence to dig them up, punishable by a fine of £5,000 per bulb!
Thought For The Day:
When life gives you anagrams, make melonade.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Thu May 09, 2024 12:03 pm
by steveqpr881
Time once more to don the velvet smoking jacket, channel the spirit of the late Cyril Fletcher
(off of That's Life), turn to the camera, simper and say -
I am indebted to Daniel Wells (aka dannyboy urs off the old offy m/b) for this ribbed tickler-
it's not plagiarism if you acknowledge your 'sauce' (oh, just get on with it - ed.)
The missus said I'm financially irresponsible and gullible; wait until I tell her I've won the Nigerian lottery!
What do we want?
Procrastination.
When do we want it?
Not right now.....
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Sat May 11, 2024 9:19 am
by steveqpr881
I don't know if you listen to the Tony Blackburn Show -
eh? what's that? You don't need to, because I tell all his jokes on here -
well that's true, but this morning, Tony told one of mine! And here it is:
With all this warm weather we're having, I b ought a rocket salad yesterday;
but it went off before I could eat it!
Good enough for Tony, good enough for you lot. 
Sylvester Stallone has been married twice, but both ended in divorce.
The first marriage was rocky, the 2nd was rocky too......
Top Tip: Kid people you've got jaundice, by adding iodine to your bathwater!
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Mon May 13, 2024 7:30 am
by steveqpr881
Anybody see Eurovision? No, me neither;
Anybody know who won it - or care? No, me neither.
Anyway, with all this nice weather we've been having, I decided to buy some new plants for the garden.
I went to the local garden centre, and who should I see - Michael J. Fox!
I knew it was him, he had his back to the fuschias.
I've only just found out my dad was a mime artist for over 50 years!
He certainly kept that quiet.....
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 11:13 am
by steveqpr881
Anybody see England v Slovenia last night??
No, me neither - I fell asleep after 10 minutes. 
Are England the new QPR?? i.e., they struggle against the lesser sides......
Anyway, today's ribbed tickler to take away the blues:
When I was young, my mum used to bathe me in Australian lager.
It was quite a shock, when I found I'd been Fostered.