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Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2022 1:09 pm
by steveqpr881
Road-tested this in S.A. Rd. before the Boro game (no animals were harmed)
& it got a great reaction, so here goes......
had a terrible row with the missus yesterday, she threw 5 cricket balls at me.
I said - one more, and it's over.

Today's Burning Question:
Why is it that, when you boil an egg it goes hard, but when you boil a
potato it goes soft??
:o

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2022 1:19 pm
by steveqpr881
Here's a bonus joke ("M'sieu, you are really spoiling us," as the posh bird in the Ferrero Rocher ad used to say)
Just nicked it off Facebook, it's an oldie but a goldie.
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a Chinaman, an American, a Mexican,a German,
a Vietnamese, a Malaysian, an Australian (it can go on for as many countries as you like, but you get the idea)
walked into a night club and the bouncer said -
"Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2022 10:33 am
by steveqpr881
They say a cat always lands on it's feet, and when toast is dropped on the floor it always lands buttered side down.
So as an experiment, I threw my neighbour's cat out of the window with a slice of buttered toast strapped to it's back.
And what happened? She set the RSPCA on me. :(

The Burning Question:
Are people with a photographic memory born that way, or does it take time to develop?? :shock:

And finally Ronnie - QPR Rhyming Slang:
Grant Hall - Zoe Ball. Eye thenk-yew.

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2022 9:21 am
by steveqpr881
Went to the pub last night, and I must admit, I had a few.
When I came out, a copper came up to me & said,
"Do you know you're staggering?"
I said, "You're not too bad yourself." :P

Thought For The Day - or is it The Burning Question?? I get confused.... :oops:
Anyway, don't you just hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.
:roll:

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2022 8:41 am
by steveqpr881
Today is not only National Relaxation Day, it's also National Lemon Meringue Pie Day. :roll:
I've said it before, I'll say it again - WHO DECIDES THIS GUFF ???? :cry:
Anyway, sit back & relax with a nice piece of lemon meringue & enjoy today's ribbed tickler.
No such thing as free lunch? Cobblers!
Only yesterday, I enjoyed a nice meal in a cosy little country pub.
It was only after I'd climbed out of the toilet window that I realised I'd forgotten to pay the bill! 8-)

Interesting Fact:
Olivia Newton-John was 3rd cousin to Ben Elton. yes indeedy.
:geek:

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2022 10:30 am
by steveqpr881
Now, you all know how much it winds me up, to hear it's national such & such a day
(we should, Steve,you tell us often enough - ed. :roll: )
well, here's one I don't object to - apparently, today is National Tell A Joke Day!
So brace yourselves for a jamboree of jokes, a festival of fun, (we get the idea, get on with it-ed.)
A tortoise was mugged by 2 snails; he went to the cop shop & they asked him what happened
but he said, "I don't really know...it happened so fast."
Q: What's made of leather & sounds like a sneeze? A: A shoe.
Traffic news: a cement mixer has collided with a prison bus.
Police are looking for hardened criminals.
I've just bought a self-help book; Ventriloquism For Dummies.
And the posh bird from the Ferrero Rocher ad said...….

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Posted: Sat Aug 20, 2022 9:09 am
by Kerrins
I went into my local fish and chip shop the other day.

What type of Cod do you have?

We have the ordinary Cod which is £4.00 and the Manchester United Cod which costs £6.00

That's a big difference!!..... Well yes its because the Manchester Utd Cod has been battered.

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Posted: Sat Aug 20, 2022 9:13 am
by steveqpr881
Can't make it to today's game because of the train strike,
so I rang Steve Russell to order one of his new badges.
He said, "Steve son, you'll have to speak up, I've got jelly & fruit in one ear
and sponge & custard in the other ear; I'm a trifle deaf." :roll:

All this talk about hosepipe bans.....the water in my area is so hard,
the plumbers go around in pairs. :geek:

Been watching the European Games?
A friend of mine's a carpet fitter, he was banned for using stair rods.
:oops:

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2022 8:07 am
by steveqpr881
They say it'll be wet today, which reminds me of the time I won the
annual Meteorological Competition; I beat the raining champion. :geek:

Top Tip:
Men! Wear your trousers back to front; that way, you'll never get
'caught in your zip' after having a pee. :o

Thought For The Day:
If Geoffrey Boycott became a vegan, what do you think he'd bang on about the most -
coming from Yorkshire, or being a vegan??
:?

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2022 11:36 am
by steveqpr881
And here's a bonus Interesting Fact:
just had to write out today's date, and I noticed it's a palindrome-
22/8/22.
Next one isn't until 22nd September.