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Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Sat May 21, 2022 9:19 am
by steveqpr881
My girlfriend poked me in the eyes, so I stopped seeing her for a while.
Top Tip:
If you have trouble getting to sleep, just lie on the edge of the bed.
You'll soon drop off.
Interesting Fact:
Chris Martin (of Coldplay) played a zombie in Sean of the Dead.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Mon May 23, 2022 10:57 am
by steveqpr881
I went to a fancy dress competition as a giraffe.
Didn't win a prize, but at least I can hold my head high. 
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Tue May 24, 2022 1:09 pm
by steveqpr881
Q: How do you spot a blind man in a nudist camp?
A: It's not hard...... 
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Thu May 26, 2022 11:54 am
by steveqpr881
Heard on the radio this morning, today is the 1st day of The Hay Festival.
Funny, that....you wouldn't think that hay would merit it's own festival.
(that's the last straw - I'm baleing out - geddit? - ed.)
Look sunshine, I do the funnies on here..... 
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Sat May 28, 2022 10:22 am
by steveqpr881
Stop me if you've heard this one before (we've heard 'em all before, Steve)
I shall treat that with the contempt it deserves; it's just that this one seems a bit familiar;
still, as I always say, deja-vu ain't what it used to be. So here goes:
I've just got a new job, as a trampolinist. It has its ups & downs.
I had a box-load of old Dusty Springfield records, on the wall of my garage;
then burglars broke in and stole them, now I dont know what to do with my shelf. 
A station on London Overground: (Ian) Holloway Road.
And that reminds me: I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the Underground.
He went from Barking to Tooting in under an hour! 
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Mon May 30, 2022 1:02 pm
by steveqpr881
I'm going to a Jubilee party at the local recycling plant.
The invite said "bring a bottle"
My giant parrot has just died; that's a huge weight off my shoulder.
Interesting Fact: Australia is wider than the Moon.
And a railway station with a QPR player's name in it:
(Brett) Angel.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Tue May 31, 2022 8:32 am
by steveqpr881
I took the shell off my pet snail, to make it go faster.
But if anything, it just made it more sluggish. 
My wife threatened to leave me, if I didn't get treatment for my Neil Diamond obsession.
I am, I said.
Interesting Fact: Terry Venables use to sing with The Joe Loss Orchestra, at Hammersmith Palais.
QPR railway station: (Steve) Palmers Green.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2022 10:11 am
by steveqpr881
Well, did we all enjoy the Queen's Jubilee celebrations?
Picture the scene: I was at Buckingham Palace, kneeling on a footstall;
the Queen approached me, with a ceremonial sword.
She tapped me first on one shoulder, then the other & said,
"For services to comedy, arise Sir Steve."
Then I woke up......it was all a dream. 
Seems you have to be recommended for a gong, and no-one put my name forward. 
Still never mind, there's always the New Year's Honour List.......
Anyway, back to business - today's ribbed tickler
My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with poker -
but I think she's bluffing. 
I couldn't sleep last night - I didn't know why.....then it dawned on me.
Thought For The Day:
Was Billy Ocean on Atlantic Records??
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2022 10:53 am
by steveqpr881
re. yesterday's post, can I just say that I've never actually been inside Buckingham Palace.
Although I did once get my hampton caught......brought tears to my eyes. 
Anyway, on with the ribbed ticklers:
Liverpool's John Lennon Airport has suspended all today's flights;
Imagine all the people.....
I'll tell you what gives me butterflies - my caterpillar collection. 
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Wed Jun 08, 2022 8:13 am
by steveqpr881
I used to be in a Cure tribute band.
Called Prevention; people always said we were better.....
I'm now in a band called cat's Eyes; we play middle of the road.
Interesting Fact: (tv chef) Gok Wan's name is an anagram of Go W*** {CENSORED}