Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

btw, put a joke up on this thread, and win £5!!

No takers yet,I see
Anyway, here is today's ribbed tickler:
I've been offered a place at the leapfrog academy - naturally,I jumped at the chance.
And today's top tip: Got insomnia? Just sleep on the edge of the bed, you'll soon drop off.

[steveqpr881]

A man knocked on my door, he said "Help us out, guv, I haven't eaten in 3 days."
I said to him, "Could you manage a cold rice pudding?" He said he could.
So I said, "Well come back tomorrow, it's still warm."

JOHN22 rang me last night, I said hello John, where you been?
He said "I've just come out of the Henry Ford Clinic, Steve."
I said, "Henry Ford? Don't you mean Betty Ford??"
He said "No, it's similar, but they don't let you out until you've built a car."

Thought For The Day:
To the man who invented the zero - thanks for nothing.

[steveqpr881]

Me & some mates went down the park for a game off football;
but when we got there, the equipment had been taken away.
I don't know how they can move the goalposts like that.

Thought For The Day:
Are people with a photographic memory born that way, or does it develop over time??

[steveqpr881]

My mate keeps going on about how good his orthopaedic shoe is;
but I think he's just building it up.

I gave my young son a torch,but he swallowed it!
Still, it was worth it, to see his little face light up.

Thought For The Day:
Remember, you are unique; just like everybody else.

[steveqpr881]

Dubliner rang me this morning, he said
"Steve, it's Valentine's Day, how many roses do you think I should give the wife-
1, a dozen......or the whole tin?"
I said, "Chocolates are old hat, can you not think of anything else?"
He said, "Well last year I booked us a table for 2 - but it turned out she doesn't play snooker."

[steveqpr881]

Dubliner rang me back yesterday; said he'd taken the wife to a posh hotel where they have a roof-top golf course.
They were putting on the Ritz.

Any way, I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits;
he said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "Well, I can do most days, but Tuesdays are out....."

[steveqpr881]

I've not had much luck with work lately;
I tried a new job, answering other peoples' phones -
but it turned out it wasn't for me.
Then I went to work for a tarmac company, but they went bust-
they'd reached the end of the road.

[steveqpr881]

What about that Storm Eunice, eh?
I really suffered from bad wind yesterday. And the weather was even worse!
I washed my duvet, put it on the line to dry, and the storm blew all the feathers out;
didn't feel down, though.
The local lemonade factory was flooded - all the staff were schwepped away.
These weather jokes are really raising the roof!!

[steveqpr881]

I drove past 2 packets of crisps today; I pulled up & said, "Do you want a lift?"
They said, "No thanks - we're Walkers."

The other day, I accidentally kicked the dog, and it bit me in the bollocks!
I told a mate this, and he said, "It must be karma."
I said, "No, if anything it's even angrier."

Top Tip: Save electricity, turn off all your lights & walk around the house wearing a miner's helmet.

[steveqpr881]

Stop me if you've heard this before (we've heard 'em all, Steve - ed.)
it sounds a bit familiar, don't know if I've already posted it -
it's deja vu all over again. Anyway, I told my GP I felt like a pack of cards;
he said, "Shuffle over there, I'll deal with you later."

I went to the Millwall game the other week, I told one of their fans he's not a real Cockney;
he said he was, and threatened to kick me down the apples & oranges.