Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

The missus left me, because she said I put football before our relationship.
And that's a shame, because we were together for seven seasons....

[steveqpr881]

I went to a fancy dress party, as a screwdriver....turned a few heads.
Sean Connery told me, "A book fell on my head - I only have myshelf to blame."

[steveqpr881]

Time to once more channel the late Cyril Fletcher off of 'That's Life,'
smooth down my velvet smoking jacket (get on with it! - ed.),
turn to camera & simper, "I am indebted to Daniel Wells, aka
dannyboyurs off the old offy m/b, who posted this on Facebook yesterday
- if you acknowledge your 'sauce,' as QBP used to say, then it's not plagiarism
(it'd better be worth it, after this build-up - ed.)
I've just ordered a book off Amazon, "How Not To Be Ripped Off." Only £150!!

And,as it's National Poetry Day, here to celebrate is a poem what I have wrote specially:
I opened my fridge
And what did I see?
My pet budgie
Smiling at me.

I thank you.

[steveqpr881]

A friend of mine was kidnapped by mime artistes; what they did to him was unspeakable.

Frank Saul - Lynsey de Paul.

[steveqpr881]

The wife said I was very immature.....so I've banned her from my tree house.

[steveqpr881]

Just bought a deep fat fryer. I put £20 notes in it & cover them in batter.
You might say, I'm frittering my money away......

[steveqpr881]

I've been offered a job at the local dried fruit shop;
just waiting for them to get back to me with some dates.


John Beck - Ant & Dec.

[steveqpr881]

I'm having a bit of a clear-out; got a kite for sale, no strings attached.
Or how about a glove puppet - will someone take it off my hands??

[steveqpr881]

Got a backlog of Easter jokes, courtesy of Tony Blackburn

I stepped on a hot cross bun & got an electric shock - a currant ran up my leg.

Went to the doctor, I said I feel like a chocolate Easter bunny;
he said how do you mean? I said hollow inside.

Interesting Fact:
Soul singer Marvin Gaye was born on this day in 1939;
he played drums on Motown's 1st US No. 1, 'Please Mr. Postman,' by The Marvelettes.
And a bonus Interesting Fact (M'sieu, you are really spoiling us!)
The weekend's Chelsea v Burnley game had 51 shots; only 1 Premiership game has had more,
52 in QPR v Leicester, November 2014

[steveqpr881]

Saw my GP about my addiction to coupons.
He said I need to cut them out.