Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

My mate keeps going on about how good his orthopaedic shoe is;
but I think he's just building it up.

I gave my young son a torch,but he swallowed it!
Still, it was worth it, to see his little face light up.

Thought For The Day:
Remember, you are unique; just like everybody else.

[steveqpr881]

Dubliner rang me this morning, he said
"Steve, it's Valentine's Day, how many roses do you think I should give the wife-
1, a dozen......or the whole tin?"
I said, "Chocolates are old hat, can you not think of anything else?"
He said, "Well last year I booked us a table for 2 - but it turned out she doesn't play snooker."

[steveqpr881]

Dubliner rang me back yesterday; said he'd taken the wife to a posh hotel where they have a roof-top golf course.
They were putting on the Ritz.

Any way, I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits;
he said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "Well, I can do most days, but Tuesdays are out....."

[steveqpr881]

I've not had much luck with work lately;
I tried a new job, answering other peoples' phones -
but it turned out it wasn't for me.
Then I went to work for a tarmac company, but they went bust-
they'd reached the end of the road.

[steveqpr881]

What about that Storm Eunice, eh?
I really suffered from bad wind yesterday. And the weather was even worse!
I washed my duvet, put it on the line to dry, and the storm blew all the feathers out;
didn't feel down, though.
The local lemonade factory was flooded - all the staff were schwepped away.
These weather jokes are really raising the roof!!

[steveqpr881]

I drove past 2 packets of crisps today; I pulled up & said, "Do you want a lift?"
They said, "No thanks - we're Walkers."

The other day, I accidentally kicked the dog, and it bit me in the bollocks!
I told a mate this, and he said, "It must be karma."
I said, "No, if anything it's even angrier."

Top Tip: Save electricity, turn off all your lights & walk around the house wearing a miner's helmet.

[steveqpr881]

Stop me if you've heard this before (we've heard 'em all, Steve - ed.)
it sounds a bit familiar, don't know if I've already posted it -
it's deja vu all over again. Anyway, I told my GP I felt like a pack of cards;
he said, "Shuffle over there, I'll deal with you later."

I went to the Millwall game the other week, I told one of their fans he's not a real Cockney;
he said he was, and threatened to kick me down the apples & oranges.

[steveqpr881]

Message for Dubliner: there's a message for you, on The Boot Room.
I just had a sneaky peek, and it's a Top Tip from Steve Russell: make your waterbed bouncier, fill it with spring water.
Just walked past a charity bloke collecting money for Parkinson's; he was shaking his tin, which I thought was a bit insensitive.

[steveqpr881]

I went to the local pet shop, to buy a goldfish.
The bloke said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

Top Tip: have a bath in creosote....go on, treat yourself.

& the welcome return of QPR rhyming slang: Mike Keen - Al Green.

[steveqpr881]

JOHN22 rang me yesterday, he said "Steve, I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
Then he said, "Steve I read your jokes thread religiously - every day, I pray there'll be a funny one."

Thought For The Day:
Booze is not the answer;
booze is the question, the answer is Yes.