For all QPR and Non QPR threads that don't fit in the other areas.
steveqpr881
Posts: 1576
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2021 9:58 am
Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Post by steveqpr881 »

A man knocked on my door, he said "Help us out, guv, I haven't eaten in 3 days."
I said to him, "Could you manage a cold rice pudding?" He said he could.
So I said, "Well come back tomorrow, it's still warm." :D

JOHN22 rang me last night, I said hello John, where you been?
He said "I've just come out of the Henry Ford Clinic, Steve."
I said, "Henry Ford? Don't you mean Betty Ford??"
He said "No, it's similar, but they don't let you out until you've built a car." :o

Thought For The Day:
To the man who invented the zero - thanks for nothing.
:P
steveqpr881
Posts: 1576
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2021 9:58 am
Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Post by steveqpr881 »

Me & some mates went down the park for a game off football;
but when we got there, the equipment had been taken away.
I don't know how they can move the goalposts like that. :cry:

Thought For The Day:
Are people with a photographic memory born that way, or does it develop over time??
8-)
steveqpr881
Posts: 1576
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2021 9:58 am
Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Post by steveqpr881 »

My mate keeps going on about how good his orthopaedic shoe is;
but I think he's just building it up. 8-)

I gave my young son a torch,but he swallowed it!
Still, it was worth it, to see his little face light up. :o

Thought For The Day:
Remember, you are unique; just like everybody else.
steveqpr881
Posts: 1576
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2021 9:58 am
Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Post by steveqpr881 »

Dubliner rang me this morning, he said
"Steve, it's Valentine's Day, how many roses do you think I should give the wife-
1, a dozen......or the whole tin?"
I said, "Chocolates are old hat, can you not think of anything else?"
He said, "Well last year I booked us a table for 2 - but it turned out she doesn't play snooker."
:roll:
steveqpr881
Posts: 1576
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2021 9:58 am
Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Post by steveqpr881 »

Dubliner rang me back yesterday; said he'd taken the wife to a posh hotel where they have a roof-top golf course.
They were putting on the Ritz. :roll:

Any way, I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits;
he said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "Well, I can do most days, but Tuesdays are out....."
:D
steveqpr881
Posts: 1576
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2021 9:58 am
Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Post by steveqpr881 »

I've not had much luck with work lately;
I tried a new job, answering other peoples' phones -
but it turned out it wasn't for me. :cry:
Then I went to work for a tarmac company, but they went bust-
they'd reached the end of the road.
:(
steveqpr881
Posts: 1576
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2021 9:58 am
Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Post by steveqpr881 »

What about that Storm Eunice, eh?
I really suffered from bad wind yesterday. And the weather was even worse! :o
I washed my duvet, put it on the line to dry, and the storm blew all the feathers out;
didn't feel down, though. :?
The local lemonade factory was flooded - all the staff were schwepped away. :(
These weather jokes are really raising the roof!! :D
steveqpr881
Posts: 1576
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2021 9:58 am
Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Post by steveqpr881 »

I drove past 2 packets of crisps today; I pulled up & said, "Do you want a lift?"
They said, "No thanks - we're Walkers." :?

The other day, I accidentally kicked the dog, and it bit me in the bollocks!
I told a mate this, and he said, "It must be karma."
I said, "No, if anything it's even angrier." 8-)

Top Tip: Save electricity, turn off all your lights & walk around the house wearing a miner's helmet.
:D
steveqpr881
Posts: 1576
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2021 9:58 am
Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Post by steveqpr881 »

Stop me if you've heard this before (we've heard 'em all, Steve - ed.)
it sounds a bit familiar, don't know if I've already posted it -
it's deja vu all over again. Anyway, I told my GP I felt like a pack of cards;
he said, "Shuffle over there, I'll deal with you later."

I went to the Millwall game the other week, I told one of their fans he's not a real Cockney;
he said he was, and threatened to kick me down the apples & oranges.
:|
steveqpr881
Posts: 1576
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2021 9:58 am
Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Post by steveqpr881 »

Message for Dubliner: there's a message for you, on The Boot Room. 8-)
I just had a sneaky peek, and it's a Top Tip from Steve Russell: make your waterbed bouncier, fill it with spring water. :D
Just walked past a charity bloke collecting money for Parkinson's; he was shaking his tin, which I thought was a bit insensitive.
:o
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