Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

I was feeling a bit down, and a friend said, "It could be worse, you could be stuck in a hole full of water."
Sounds a bit harsh, but I know he meant well....

Interesting Fact:
As a boy, Keir Starmer took violin lessons alongside the future Fatboy Slim.
Well I never!

What do we want?
Time travel.
When do we want it?
Yesterday.

[steveqpr881]

At long last, I managed to see the documentary on clocks & watches.
It was about time.

Who's this tennis player I keep hearing about at Wimbledon - Mick Doubles??

[steveqpr881]

I'm addicted to brake fluid. But I can stop any time.

Traffic News:
A lorry has shed it's load of Vicks vapour rub on the M25.
Police say there is no congestion. :D

[steveqpr881]

A sinkhole has opened up in my street! The council is looking into it.....

A friend of mine likes to wrap himself up in rubber bands!
I told him to snap out of it.

[steveqpr881]

A friend of mine has just written a book on carpentry.
He asked me to have a read, see what I thought; I said it's great,
you've really hit the nail on the head.

Interesting Fact 1:
The more eagle-eyed of you may have noticed that, in the Euros final, no Spanish player was singing along to their anthem;
that's because the Spanish National Anthem has no words. Well I Never!

Interesting Fact 2:
Today is St. Swithin's Day, if it rains today it'll rain for the next 40 days.

[steveqpr881]

I went to the pet shop, to buy a goldfish.
The assistant said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

[steveqpr881]

I've invented a paper aeroplane.
Mind you, it doesn't fly, it just remains stationary.....

[steveqpr881]

Has anyone seen my pack of giant playing cards? If not, it's no big deal.

The weather was so nice yesterday, I decided to paint my garden fence.
But I ended up sweating buckets, because I followed the instructions on the tin -
for a good finish, put on 3 coats.

[steveqpr881]

A Tibetan monk saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margerine & said -
"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl having a wee?
Because it's got a silent pee.

[steveqpr881]

Anybody hear this morning's Tony Blackburn Show??
He told one of my ribbed ticklers! And here it is:
I've got a new dentist, and he made a mould of my teeth.
Then he threw it away, as it wasn't much good.
Talk about making a bad first impression.

And to celebrate, a bonus joke:
Next week, I'm going to dress up as a different type of bread every day.
Roll on Monday!