Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

Just took my paintball exam - passed with flying colours!

Interesting Fact:
Sir Ian McKellan once married fellow actor Patrick Stewart (out of Star Trek)
No, not like that.....Sir Ian is an ordained minister, and he conducted Sir Patrick's wedding ceremony.
Well I never! Tea - Earl Grey - hot!!

[steveqpr881]

Anybody see England v Slovenia last night??
No, me neither - I fell asleep after 10 minutes.
Are England the new QPR?? i.e., they struggle against the lesser sides......

Anyway, today's ribbed tickler to take away the blues:
When I was young, my mum used to bathe me in Australian lager.
It was quite a shock, when I found I'd been Fostered.

[steveqpr881]

This morning, I woke up in a clown's outfit;
must have slept in a funny position.

Not very good? Ok, how about this one:
I've started my own business, removing chewing gum from pavements.
It's early days, I'm just getting it off the ground.

[steveqpr881]

I saw an angry man jogging in a field. He was a cross country runner.

My dog, Minton, ate a shuttlecock - bad Minton!!

And today's Interesting Fact:
King Henry V111 owned the first-ever pair of football boots.
Well I never!

[steveqpr881]

Here's a topical one:
the England football squad won't be voting in the General Election;
they have enough trouble finding the box, let alone putting a cross in.

[steveqpr881]

......and another topical joke; tennis-related this time, as Wimbledon has started:
A tennis ball walks into a pub, and the barman says, "Are you being served?"

[steveqpr881]

My friend's an electrician.
Whenever he goes to a restaurant, he only has 1 course -
he sticks to the mains.

Interesting Fact: the longest word in the dictionary is....elastic.

[steveqpr881]

I was a Poll Clerk at yesterday's General Election (trousered £255, so at least Sunak did one thing for me )
on the day, we had some voters with famous names, such as Alan Hudson, and Martin Allen!
Mind you, neither of them were the ex-footballers of the same name.

Anyway, back to the ribbed ticklers:
I was arrested as I left an art gallery
Don't why, when I was inside, I asked security if it was OK to take a few pictures....

I bought the wife a new fridge.
I could tell she liked it, because every time she opened the door, her face lit up.

[steveqpr881]

You know Dermot O'Leary on Radio 2? Does the show after Tony Blackburn on Saturday.
Well, this morning, he told my electrician/restaurant joke from Wednesday.
I'm not saying that's proof he reads this Fred for all his jokes, but it makes you think.
Mind you, he didn't give me a credit - now, that's plagiarism in my book.

Any way, here's another topical joke:
I've devised a new type of tennis, called Silent Tennis.
It's like ordinary tennis, but without the racket!
Nick that one if you will, Dermot....

[steveqpr881]

Apple tart costs £1.75 in Jamaica, £2.00 in Barbados and £1.80 in Grenada.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Interesting Fact:
Bromley is the only football club in the top 4 tiers to be in a Tory constituency.
Well I Never - I never knew Bromley was in the top 4 tiers, that is.