Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

Had to give my girlfriend the elbow....she works in a bakery, she's too kneady.

Burglars stole my limbo pole.....how low can they go??

[steveqpr881]

Just heard, my favourite Italian chef has died.
He's pasta way.

I struggle with Roman numerals until I get to 159 - then it just CLIX.

Interesting Fact: The Pound Stirling is the oldest currency in use today
(& I don't just mean the white fivers in JD's wallet)

Kevin Gallen - Dave Allen.

[steveqpr881]

Met a Dalek - he said he was from Devon -
I asked which part - he said, "Exeter, mate Exeter, mate."

[steveqpr881]

If there's one thing I hate more than my agoraphobia, it's going out.

Just heard on the radio, Pink Floyd have released a single to raise funds for Ukraine:
HAVEN'T THEY SUFFERED ENOUGH ALREADY???
It probably goes, "Hey, Putin - leave those kids alone."

[steveqpr881]

Now you know me, I'm not one to boast......but yesterday, I had the heating on!
And that reminds me of a comedy classic;this joke won the Eurovision Joke Contest back in 1968:
Q: What did the gas meter say to the shilling?* (*- younger readers:I'm sure kerrins will be happy to explain what a shilling was )
A:Glad you dropped in!

It's the Grand National today, and here's Steve's Top Tip:
Put your money on Riderless Horse, it's first across the line every year.

Chris Day - Johnnie Ray

[steveqpr881]

I'm reading a new book, "Improve Your memory," by, er....whatisname.....

Thought For The Day:
If I make someone breakfast in bed, a word of thanks wouldn't go amiss;
not "How did you get in my house?"

[steveqpr881]

A McVitie's lorry caused chaos today, after its load om the M25.
A police spokesman said, "Crumbs! It took a moment to digest, but officers didn't crumble."

My girlfriend said she's leaving me in the morning, because of my infatuation with Wham lyrics.
I said, "Wake me up before you go,go."

Just got a job as a window cleaner.
I'm only an apprentice, but at least I've got my foot on the ladder.

[steveqpr881]

Atomic power....it's really going to mushroom

Ed Sheeran was asked how he felt, after he won his plagiarism court case;
he said, "I feel good" - and James Brown sued him!

Interesting Fact: Lobsters wee from their face.

[steveqpr881]

Where Rishi Sunak's wife pays her tax is neither here nor there
Ooh, satire - I should write for Private Eye.

[steveqpr881]

Woke up this morning & I couldn't remember what time the sun rose.....
then it dawned on me.
Speaking of the sun; I once asked my Dad if he knew what a total eclipse was;
he said, "No, son."