Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

Yesterday, I got my penis in the Guiness Book of Records!
But the librarian told me to take it out......

[steveqpr881]

Some top NASA boffins watched the earth turn for 24 hours.
Then they got bored, so they called it a day.

[steveqpr881]

Someone just rang me, sneezed 3 times, then hung up.
I hate these cold calls......

Top Tip:
In this cold weather, add a splash of anti-freeze to the water in your bird bath,
so that our feathered friends can still enjoy a drink.

[steveqpr881]

I asked the librarian - have you got any books on noise control?
She said - Yes; what volume would you like?

Went to the shop to but some Oxo cubes, but I couldn't believe it - they were out of stock!
Which reminds me of the scientist who crossed an Oxo cube with nitrous oxide - it was a laughing stock.

[steveqpr881]

I've just started working for a company that makes oversized baths & sinks -
is it OK if I get a large plug for it??

[steveqpr881]

What about this cold spell we're having at the moment?
I just tried to scrape the ice off my car windscreen with my discount card; but I only got 20% off.

Top Tip:
If you're trying to lift a heavy object, do it in the daytime not at hight;
it'll be lighter then.

[steveqpr881]

I caught my neighbour stealing my socks off of the washing line.
I was going to confront him, but I got cold feet.

[steveqpr881]

I've heard a rumour about margerine, but I don't want to spread it.....
watched an Aussie TV cooking show, somebody made a meringue & the audience clapped -
as it was Australia, I thought they'd boo meringues??

[steveqpr881]

As today is Burns Night, I thought I'd celebrate with this ribbed tickler.
JD was out for a walk with his good lady wife Alison.
As they passed a luxury restaurant, she said "Oh, that smells divine."
So JD said, " OK, I'm going to spoil you."
And he turned around, and walked her past the restaurant again.

[steveqpr881]

2 slices of bread got married; all went well, until someone wanted to toast the bride & groom.

I was in a restaurant yesterday, and the waiter came up to the table holding a flag & a pistol.
Which was odd, because I hadn't ordered a starter.