Here is a bonus joke (M'sieu, you are really spoiling us)
A man in full Chelsea kit was stood on top of the South Africa Road stand, threatening to jump.
A police officer tried to calm him down - he asked what was the matter;
the man replied, "Chelsea's in crisis, Abramovich has been sanctioned, we cant buy or sell players,
I can't buy a ticket for any game, I can't even buy any merchandise. We can't even sell the club,
several players are out of contract soon & we cant replace them.....it looks like we're doomed."
The copper says, "Well I can see why you're depressed; but one thing I don't understand -
why are you here, why aren't you at Stamford Bridge??"
The Chelski fan replies, " Have you seen the size of the fecking queue???"
I've ordered a chicken & an egg from Just Eat;
I'll let you know which came first.
Interesting Fact:
Forgot to say this yesterday, but Tuesday was The Ides of March.
As in, "Beware the Ides of March." ( that is your actual Shakespeare)
But what, I hear you ask, does The Ides of March actually mean??
Simples; it's the day before the middle day of the month.
So every day has an Ides, not just March.
See, this thread isn't just entertaining, it's also informative;
it's Infotaining.
Plagiarism rears it's ugly head again.
Not once, but twice in a week.
Last week, Steve Wright nicked my "no-one to chauffeur it" joke;
now, Private Eye have used my "Olly Gark" pun. Latest issue, page 94.
I wouldn't mind, but do they ever pay me any royalties for using my material??
Do they heck as like - I don't even get a name-check.
Anyway, on with today's ribbed tickler - let's see who steals this.
And I'll be honest, I stole it from Private Eye;fair exchange is no robbery.
Rod Stewart's been filling in potholes in the road near his home;
but he found that the first rut is the deepest.
And an Interesting Fact:
Snails can sleep for up to 3 years! (but ants never sleep)
My mate asked me if I liked my hi-vis jacket;
I said I wouldn't be seen without it.
Mind you, it wouldn't be much use in a custard factory.
That reminds me of the time a man on crutches stole my camouflage jacket;
I said you cant run, but you can hide.
Thought For The Day:
Will Egypt ever ask for The Pharaoh Islands back??
Hope this isn't too risque for some of you more sensitive souls......
I asked my girlfriend to sexually stimulate me with her key-ring - but she just fobbed me off
A friend who works in an sofa making factory fell into the upholstering machine;
he's OK now, he's fully re-covered.
Interesting Fact:
Chemically, the closest substance to human blood is.....sea water.
More plagiarism - on Radio 2's Steve Wright show again;
today, he nicked my "photographic memory" joke.
I'm sure they're monitoring this thread & picking off the best jokes
Is this what I pay my license fee for??
Anyway, I've just a new job, collecting rubbish (like these jokes! - ed.)
(I shall ignore that)
There was no training, I just picked it up as I went along.
Sean Derry - Chuck Berry.
btw, 3,944 views - should go thru the 4k mark over the weekend
steveqpr881 wrote: ↑Fri Mar 25, 2022 3:08 pm
[color=#0000BF
btw, 3,944 views - should go thru the 4k mark over the weekend[/color]
Sure enough - 4,031!
And the cream of the crop from this morning's Tony Blackburn Show:
I accidentally handed my wife a tube of glue when she asked me to pass her
lipstick over. She's still not talking to me.
I live in a village where everyone wears a jumper that's 2 sizes too small;
it's a very close-knit community.
As you know, I get hundreds of emails every day from my legion of fans -
well, dozens. One or two. OK, none. But here's another email from Mrs. Smith,
she says, "Steve son, tell us one of your side-splitting ribbed ticklers, or my husband will
come over & give yo' ass a slap." Always happy to oblige, so here goes:
My grief councillor died recently;
luckily, he was so good at his job, I didn't give a monkey's.
Thought For The Day:
Is a row of Barbie dolls called a barbeque ??
By the way - and I'm blowing my own trumpet here -
have a look at the latest issue of Private Eye;
they've printed my letter (page 23) & it's a real ribbed tickler.
Don't ask me what it says, go into WHSmith & have a look.....
My dog usually comes in for a meal every day at 12;
but since the clocks went forward, he's an hour late.
Guess he's not a watch dog.....
And that reminds me of this comedy classic:
a man went to see his GP, he said,
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog."
The doc replied, "Do you want to lie on the couch?"
The man said, "No thanks, I'm not allowed."
That Val Doonican....the only man in showbiz who didn't want a personalised numberplate.
