Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

Tony Blackburn told one of my Christmas crackers on Sunday, and here it is,
behind today's door on.........The Advent Calendar of Dooooom
How did Good king Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even.
Just think, that joke is over 2,00 years old!

[steveqpr881]

Did anyone hear me on today's Jeremy Vine show?
Not the 1st time I've been on it....when I talk, the world listens!

Anyway, time to open today's door on The Advent Calendar of Doom:
This is the season of office parties, which reminds me - at last year's, when the meal was finished,
the waiter said, "Do you wanna box for the leftovers?"
I said, "No, I'm not a violent man, you have 'em."

And the return of The Burning Question:
Die Hard - IS it a Christmas film??

[steveqpr881]

Time to look behind the door on The Advent Calendar of Doom.
I bought a book on DIY surgery as a Xmas present for a friend.
But when I got it home, the appendix had been removed.
They say a dog's for life, not just for Christmas; reminds me of the time I
bought a dog from a blacksmith;as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

[steveqpr881]

Oh I wish it could be Christmas, every day.......
And once more we open the door on The Advent Calendar of Doom:
Best present I had last year was a DIY mime kit - I was literally speechless.

[steveqpr881]

So here it is, Merry Christmas everybody's having fun......
they won't be, once I've opened today's door on.......The Advent Calendar of Doom.
Just opened a Xmas card, and a load of rice fell out. It was from Uncle Ben.
I bought a Xmas jumper, but it was full of static; so I took it back & had it replaced, free of charge.

[steveqpr881]

Time to open Tuesday's door on.......The Advent Calendar of Doom.
I was talking to a vegan friend; he said he won't wear a Christmas jumper, because
it takes 2 sheep to make. I said I didn't know sheep could knit.

I saw some chess players in a hotel lobby; they were all talking about how good they
are at the game (bear with me, there's a Chrismassy punchline).
There's nothing worse than chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

[steveqpr881]

One more opening of The Christmas Cracker of Doom;
I got this out of a cracker on Xmas Day, sent it to Tony Blackburn & he said it on his
Boxing Day show; with a name-check for yours truly.
Q: Why did the turkey join a band?
A:Because he had the drumsticks.

[steveqpr881]

Wishing a very Happy Birthday to this thread's spiritual guru*, Tony Blackburn - 81 today!
(*- that's where the majority of the jokes come from)
And here to celebrate is a selection of the finest ribbed ticklers from his weekend shows:
I sent my hearing aids off to be repaired; it's been 3 weeks now & I haven't heard a thing.
My pet goose can read all of the government's information; he's a proper gander.

[steveqpr881]

Time once more to don my velvet smoking jacket & channel Cyril Fletcher off of That's Life to say -
I am indebted to Rs fan Dan Wells (dannyboyUrs off of the old offy mb) for this ribbed tickler, what he put on Facebook:
I've been invited to a combined Burns Night/ Chinese New Year party.
They're calling it a Chinese Burns party.
Wasn't going to go at first, but they twisted my arm.
Esther.....

[steveqpr881]

Times were tough when I was a kid; Mum worked in a nail shop, Dad was a chiropodist.
We always lived from hand to mouth.
I never had new clothes, always got my stuff form the Army & Navy store.
It was no fun going to school in the full dress uniform of a Japanese admiral!

Interesting Fact:
When Charles 1 started his reign, he was 5 foot 8;
when his reign ended, he was 5 foot 1.