Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

A penguin walks into a bar & says, "Has my brother been in?"
The barman says, "I don't know - what does he look like??"

Thought For The Day:
Do penguins eat a chocolate bar called Human??

[steveqpr881]

Well,we could all do with cheering up, after the Blackburn game, so here goes.....
To the person who stole my place in the queue - I'm after you!
I bought what I thought was a smoking jacket, but it burst into flames; turned out to be a blazer!
It's National Egg Week, which is quite appropriate; I had my winter flu jab on Saturday,
as I sat down, the nurse asked if I was allergic to eggs; I said, "Why - are you going to give me an omelette??"

[steveqpr881]

The 2 unwritten rules of life:
1.
2.

[steveqpr881]

I was going to tell you a joke about a herb & a fish, but this is neither the thyme nor the plaice.

Q: What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce?
A: Chicken sees a salad.

Thought For The Day:
One advantage of talking to yourself is, at least you know someone's listening.

[steveqpr881]

Young kerrins rang me last night, he said, "Steve, what's so special about Worcestershire Sauce??"
I replied, "It's hard to say."

I went to the optician, I said, "There's something wrong with my eyes, everyone looks like Bruce Forsyth."
He said, (all together now) "Nice to see you, to see you - nice."

[steveqpr881]

Good news, people - it's National Recycling Week!
That gives me carte blanche (that is your actual French)
to recycle a few of my jokes (no change there, then - ed.)
How about this Golden Oldie:
I've sold all my Dusty Springfield records;
now I just don't know what to do with myself.
Or this one:
I went to an athletics meeting & there was a bloke with a long stick over his shoulder.
I said, "Are you a pole-vaulter?"
He said, "No, I'm a German. And my name is not Walter."

[steveqpr881]

Went to a fancy dress party, & some guy turned up with no costume, he was just giving a woman a piggy-back.
I asked him what he was supposed to be, and he said "I'm a tortoise - this is Michelle."

Today's Burning Question:
Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
And how do we know the fridge light goes off when we shut the door??

[steveqpr881]

My friend was so shocked when he won the Lottery, fell into a vat of wet concrete!
Well, at least he's set for life.....

And today's Burning Question:
Why did kamikaze pilots wear crash helmets??

[steveqpr881]

My dear old Nan just had a stair lift fitted; but she doesn't like it, says it
drives her up the wall. I offered to have a look at it, see if I could do anything -
she said she might take me up on it.

And today's Burning Question:
Why do people point at their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their bum when asking where the toilet is??

[steveqpr881]

Well, it's the 1st day of December - a pinch & a punch etc - & the festive season is well & truly underway;
Felice Navidad, as Josie Felicitano used to say. Haven't heard from her for years, wonder what's she's up to these days??
Anyway, as promised (don't you mean threatened? - ed.) I'm opening the first door on.....
THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOM with this festive and appropriate joke:
Did you hear about the shoplifter who nicked an advent calendar? He got 25 days.