Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

.....and in a similar vein, I had an audition as a trumpet player - but I blew it.

Interesting Fact: this week is National Procrastination Week.
Must do something to celebrate.....I'll get round to it some time.... :

[steveqpr881]

Just turned down a job in a sandwich bar.
Didn't know what it involved....the boss just said I'd be filling a variety of roles.

A local tattoo artist offered to ink my girlfriend for free.
I think he's trying to steal her away from me.......
he's admitted he's got designs on her.

[steveqpr881]

Oh, one more thing (as Lootenant Columbo used to say)-
& I must admit, this is a left-over from Saturday's game,forgot to post it before now,
BUT as Cardiff had 2 players, McGuiness & Flint, I must say performance gave me
the Malt & Barley Blues. Still, it won't matter When I'm Dead & Gone.....

[steveqpr881]

I talked the girlfriend out of having a tattoo;
I let her colour in the top of arm instead.
Offered her a shoulder to crayon.

Interesting Fact:
Top boffin & inventor of gravity Sir Isaac Newton was an MP for about a year.
He only spoke once in the House - to ask someone to shut the window.

Grant Hall - Bobby Ball.

[steveqpr881]

Just split up with my girlfriend;
she was a parachutist, with IBS;
- actually, on 2nd thoughts, that might be a bit rude, so
I've just booked a cheap barging holiday;
you dont go on a boat, you just push it along the canal.

Iain Dowie - David Bowie.

[steveqpr881]

Whenever I build something,I'm always courteous & polite.
I'm a civil engineer.

One thing I don't understand about this business at CFC;
I thought they were owned by Abramovich, so who - ah say, WHO, boy -
is this "Russian Olly Gark" feller they keep talking about??

[steveqpr881]

May I have your prayers, mirth fans, for the spiritual guru (so to speak) of this thread -
Tony Blackburn announced on his show this morning that he has Covid.
Luckily, he's not feeling too bad, and the show went on, but I'm afraid to say, the quality of jokes was definitely down today.
So here is the cream of the crop.....
I'm on a toast-only diet; still, at least I get 3 square meals a day.

Most cats don't shave - 8 out of 10 prefer whiskers.

I'm going to see a Beatles tribute band on the Isle of Wight;
I've got (all together now) a Ticket to Ryde.

[steveqpr881]

The man who invented predictive text has died.
His funfair will be next Monkey.

Rob Dickie - Metal Mickey

[steveqpr881]

Here is a bonus joke (M'sieu, you are really spoiling us)
A man in full Chelsea kit was stood on top of the South Africa Road stand, threatening to jump.
A police officer tried to calm him down - he asked what was the matter;
the man replied, "Chelsea's in crisis, Abramovich has been sanctioned, we cant buy or sell players,
I can't buy a ticket for any game, I can't even buy any merchandise. We can't even sell the club,
several players are out of contract soon & we cant replace them.....it looks like we're doomed."
The copper says, "Well I can see why you're depressed; but one thing I don't understand -
why are you here, why aren't you at Stamford Bridge??"
The Chelski fan replies, " Have you seen the size of the fecking queue???"

[steveqpr881]

Oh, one more thing......
Steve Wicks - Brian Rix.