Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

OK boys & girls, no doubt you'll all need cheering up after last night's woeful performance,
so here is a carefully-selected er......selection of ribbed ticklers to chase the blues away.

Just got an email telling me how to read maps backwards; it was spam (think about it)

I changed my i-pod's name to Titanic; it's syncing now.....

My 4-year old grandson can't say "Thank you" in Spanish; that's poor, for four.

[steveqpr881]

I've just signed up for an air guitar course;
it's free of charge, no strings attached.

My wife said I've got a face like the back of a boat;
I gave her a very stern look.

[steveqpr881]

Well, you'll all need cheering up after the Boro game, so here's the pick of Saturday's Tony Blackburn Show.

What's the difference between a hippo & a Zippo?
One's very heavy, the other's a little lighter.

The inventor of gravy granules has won an award; he's done well, he used to be a laughing stock.

[steveqpr881]

I tried to join the Kleptomaniac Society, but I went to one of their meetings, and all the seats had been taken.

My friend, Joan, said she's thinking of leaving her husband, because he's got so many issues.
She said he's got 14 problems, plus his obsession with tennis.....
I said, well that's fifteen, love.

[steveqpr881]

I'm trying to break up with my girlfriend.
Trouble is, she's an optician - every time I say I can't see her any more,
she just moves a little closer & says "How's that, can you see me now?"

[steveqpr881]

I joined the local Scrabble club, but someone stole all the letter tiles.
Now we're lost for words.

[steveqpr881]

Your prayers, please, for our spiritual leader Tony Blackburn;
unable to do today's show as he's suffering from a virus.
Which means I have no fresh jokes for you today (I thought you made them all up yourself?? - ed.)
So here is a Golden Oldie:
I've just gone into therapy, to stop singing Gloria Gaynor songs all the time.
At first I was afraid, I was petrified....

[steveqpr881]

A man pushed a giant key into my back.
I said, "Are you trying to wind me up??"

[steveqpr881]

I've started a new business, building boats in my loft.
Sails have gone through the roof!

[steveqpr881]

What a weekend I've just had!
Saturday, I went to a garden centre & saw Michael J. Fox; he had his back to the fuschia.
Then Sunday I went to the zoo & there was a lizard on its hind legs, telling jokes;
It was a stand-up chameleon.