Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

Dubliner rang me back yesterday; said he'd taken the wife to a posh hotel where they have a roof-top golf course.
They were putting on the Ritz.

Any way, I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits;
he said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "Well, I can do most days, but Tuesdays are out....."

[steveqpr881]

I've not had much luck with work lately;
I tried a new job, answering other peoples' phones -
but it turned out it wasn't for me.
Then I went to work for a tarmac company, but they went bust-
they'd reached the end of the road.

[steveqpr881]

Stop me if you've heard this before (we've heard 'em all, Steve - ed.)
it sounds a bit familiar, don't know if I've already posted it -
it's deja vu all over again. Anyway, I told my GP I felt like a pack of cards;
he said, "Shuffle over there, I'll deal with you later."

I went to the Millwall game the other week, I told one of their fans he's not a real Cockney;
he said he was, and threatened to kick me down the apples & oranges.

[steveqpr881]

Message for Dubliner: there's a message for you, on The Boot Room.
I just had a sneaky peek, and it's a Top Tip from Steve Russell: make your waterbed bouncier, fill it with spring water.
Just walked past a charity bloke collecting money for Parkinson's; he was shaking his tin, which I thought was a bit insensitive.

[steveqpr881]

JOHN22 rang me yesterday, he said "Steve, I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
Then he said, "Steve I read your jokes thread religiously - every day, I pray there'll be a funny one."

Thought For The Day:
Booze is not the answer;
booze is the question, the answer is Yes.

[steveqpr881]

re. that ladder book.....I rang the author, but the phone just rung & rung

A guy at work said the photocopier had run out of ink;
I don't like to be spoken to in that toner voice....

Thought For The Day:
Why is it, whenever Star Trek "boldly goes where no-one's gone before"
that there's always somebody already there?? Highly illogical, captain.

Interesting Fact: ants never sleep.

[steveqpr881]

Through the 3,000 barrier, I see!
And today's ribbed tickler:
The head of the local dyslexia group was told he was getting an OBE;
he said, "What's the point - I can't play it."

I went to see the doc, asked him how I could lose weight.
He said, "Dont eat anything fatty."
I said, "What - like pies, biscuits,cakes?"
He said, "No, I meant dont eat anything - fatty."

[steveqpr881]

Funniest thing I've heard all week - and it's true -
Sainsbury's have just announced, they are re-naming their Chicken Kiev to Chicken Kyiv.
That'll bring Putin to his knees.

[steveqpr881]

Brace yourselves mirth fans, here comes an absolute cracker.
I road-tested this on a willing participant - a human guinea pig if you will -
in S.A. Road before the Cardiff game; now, he's asked to stay anonymous,
so of course I respect that totally, I'll only refer to him as St*eve R*ussell
but after I'd told him this ribbed tickler, he said, "Steve son, you absolutely must post that."
So here goes........Just found out I failed my abseiling exam - I let myself down badly.

[steveqpr881]

May I have your prayers, mirth fans, for the spiritual guru (so to speak) of this thread -
Tony Blackburn announced on his show this morning that he has Covid.
Luckily, he's not feeling too bad, and the show went on, but I'm afraid to say, the quality of jokes was definitely down today.
So here is the cream of the crop.....
I'm on a toast-only diet; still, at least I get 3 square meals a day.

Most cats don't shave - 8 out of 10 prefer whiskers.

I'm going to see a Beatles tribute band on the Isle of Wight;
I've got (all together now) a Ticket to Ryde.