Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

Still on the Xmas-related theme......
a friend of mine keeps giving me colanders as birthday/Xmas presents;
it's putting a strain on our friendship.

Thought For The Day: One bird can't make a pun. But toucan.

[steveqpr881]

A mummy has been found in Egypt, covered in chocolate & crushed nuts.
It's The Pharaoh Rocher.

[steveqpr881]

I've ordered a chicken & an egg online; I'll let you know which came first.

My neighbour took me to court for stealing his windows; I've been framed.

And a man who sued BA for misplacing his luggage has, er..... lost his case.

[steveqpr881]

Yesterday, I got my penis in the Guiness Book of Records!
But the librarian told me to take it out......

[steveqpr881]

Some top NASA boffins watched the earth turn for 24 hours.
Then they got bored, so they called it a day.

[steveqpr881]

Someone just rang me, sneezed 3 times, then hung up.
I hate these cold calls......

Top Tip:
In this cold weather, add a splash of anti-freeze to the water in your bird bath,
so that our feathered friends can still enjoy a drink.

[steveqpr881]

I asked the librarian - have you got any books on noise control?
She said - Yes; what volume would you like?

Went to the shop to but some Oxo cubes, but I couldn't believe it - they were out of stock!
Which reminds me of the scientist who crossed an Oxo cube with nitrous oxide - it was a laughing stock.

[steveqpr881]

I've just started working for a company that makes oversized baths & sinks -
is it OK if I get a large plug for it??

[steveqpr881]

What about this cold spell we're having at the moment?
I just tried to scrape the ice off my car windscreen with my discount card; but I only got 20% off.

Top Tip:
If you're trying to lift a heavy object, do it in the daytime not at hight;
it'll be lighter then.

[steveqpr881]

I caught my neighbour stealing my socks off of the washing line.
I was going to confront him, but I got cold feet.