Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

I saw a man in my garden, wearing a baseball cap, a polo shirt & tennis shoes.
I said, "Oi - what's your game??"

[steveqpr881]

I've just started a band; our 1st single is called Duvet, b-side is Eiderdown.
We're a covers band......

[steveqpr881]

The boss offered me a pay rise if I could do an impersonation of a frog-
well, I jumped at the chance!

[steveqpr881]

I've had to scrap my chicken dating agency.
It did badly, I couldn't make hens meet.

[steveqpr881]

I taped a set of dentures to a boomerang, threw it & thought -
that'll come back to bite me.
Reminds me of the time I threw a boomerang at a ghost - it came back to haunt me!

[steveqpr881]

Time once more to don the velvet smoking jacket, channel the spirit of the late Cyril Fletcher
(off of That's Life), turn to the camera, simper and say -
I am indebted to Daniel Wells (aka dannyboy urs off the old offy m/b) for this ribbed tickler-
it's not plagiarism if you acknowledge your 'sauce' (oh, just get on with it - ed.)
The missus said I'm financially irresponsible and gullible; wait until I tell her I've won the Nigerian lottery!

What do we want?
Procrastination.
When do we want it?
Not right now.....

[steveqpr881]

I've just left my job in the luminous ink factory.
The boss game me a glowing reference.

[steveqpr881]

I don't know if you listen to the Tony Blackburn Show -
eh? what's that? You don't need to, because I tell all his jokes on here -
well that's true, but this morning, Tony told one of mine! And here it is:
With all this warm weather we're having, I b ought a rocket salad yesterday;
but it went off before I could eat it!
Good enough for Tony, good enough for you lot.

Sylvester Stallone has been married twice, but both ended in divorce.
The first marriage was rocky, the 2nd was rocky too......

Top Tip: Kid people you've got jaundice, by adding iodine to your bathwater!

[steveqpr881]

Anybody see Eurovision? No, me neither;
Anybody know who won it - or care? No, me neither.

Anyway, with all this nice weather we've been having, I decided to buy some new plants for the garden.
I went to the local garden centre, and who should I see - Michael J. Fox!
I knew it was him, he had his back to the fuschias.

I've only just found out my dad was a mime artist for over 50 years!
He certainly kept that quiet.....

[steveqpr881]

I've lost my job as a tandem sky-diver.
I was always falling out with people.....