Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

Not many people are called Lance these days, but in the olden days, people were called Lance a lot.

I've been offered a job at the alphabetti spaghetti factory; I just need to check the Ts & Cs.

It's Father's Day this Sunday & I'm stuck for what to buy my dad.
He's an opera singer.....what can you get for a tenor??

Interesting Fact:
There are only 3 rivers in Ireland - Liffey, Shannon & Dance.

[steveqpr881]

Right, mirth fans, here's a real ribbed tickler, what I nicked off of QPR Pride of London -
as I always say, it's not plagiarism if you acknowledge your 'sauce.'

Polish fans have gone on the rampage in Hamburg!
So far, there are reports of
50 cars valeted
27 boilers repaired
7 walls built
30 bathrooms tiled
24 hallways painted.

[steveqpr881]

Anybody see England v Slovenia last night??
No, me neither - I fell asleep after 10 minutes.
Are England the new QPR?? i.e., they struggle against the lesser sides......

Anyway, today's ribbed tickler to take away the blues:
When I was young, my mum used to bathe me in Australian lager.
It was quite a shock, when I found I'd been Fostered.

[steveqpr881]

This morning, I woke up in a clown's outfit;
must have slept in a funny position.

Not very good? Ok, how about this one:
I've started my own business, removing chewing gum from pavements.
It's early days, I'm just getting it off the ground.

[steveqpr881]

I saw an angry man jogging in a field. He was a cross country runner.

My dog, Minton, ate a shuttlecock - bad Minton!!

And today's Interesting Fact:
King Henry V111 owned the first-ever pair of football boots.
Well I never!

[steveqpr881]

......and another topical joke; tennis-related this time, as Wimbledon has started:
A tennis ball walks into a pub, and the barman says, "Are you being served?"

[steveqpr881]

My friend's an electrician.
Whenever he goes to a restaurant, he only has 1 course -
he sticks to the mains.

Interesting Fact: the longest word in the dictionary is....elastic.

[steveqpr881]

I was a Poll Clerk at yesterday's General Election (trousered £255, so at least Sunak did one thing for me )
on the day, we had some voters with famous names, such as Alan Hudson, and Martin Allen!
Mind you, neither of them were the ex-footballers of the same name.

Anyway, back to the ribbed ticklers:
I was arrested as I left an art gallery
Don't why, when I was inside, I asked security if it was OK to take a few pictures....

I bought the wife a new fridge.
I could tell she liked it, because every time she opened the door, her face lit up.

[steveqpr881]

You know Dermot O'Leary on Radio 2? Does the show after Tony Blackburn on Saturday.
Well, this morning, he told my electrician/restaurant joke from Wednesday.
I'm not saying that's proof he reads this Fred for all his jokes, but it makes you think.
Mind you, he didn't give me a credit - now, that's plagiarism in my book.

Any way, here's another topical joke:
I've devised a new type of tennis, called Silent Tennis.
It's like ordinary tennis, but without the racket!
Nick that one if you will, Dermot....

[steveqpr881]

I was feeling a bit down, and a friend said, "It could be worse, you could be stuck in a hole full of water."
Sounds a bit harsh, but I know he meant well....

Interesting Fact:
As a boy, Keir Starmer took violin lessons alongside the future Fatboy Slim.
Well I never!

What do we want?
Time travel.
When do we want it?
Yesterday.