Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

I've just left my job in the luminous ink factory.
The boss game me a glowing reference.

[steveqpr881]

I don't know if you listen to the Tony Blackburn Show -
eh? what's that? You don't need to, because I tell all his jokes on here -
well that's true, but this morning, Tony told one of mine! And here it is:
With all this warm weather we're having, I b ought a rocket salad yesterday;
but it went off before I could eat it!
Good enough for Tony, good enough for you lot.

Sylvester Stallone has been married twice, but both ended in divorce.
The first marriage was rocky, the 2nd was rocky too......

Top Tip: Kid people you've got jaundice, by adding iodine to your bathwater!

[steveqpr881]

Anybody see Eurovision? No, me neither;
Anybody know who won it - or care? No, me neither.

Anyway, with all this nice weather we've been having, I decided to buy some new plants for the garden.
I went to the local garden centre, and who should I see - Michael J. Fox!
I knew it was him, he had his back to the fuschias.

I've only just found out my dad was a mime artist for over 50 years!
He certainly kept that quiet.....

[steveqpr881]

I've lost my job as a tandem sky-diver.
I was always falling out with people.....

[steveqpr881]

The person who invented the Ferris Wheel never met the inventor of the Merry-Go-Round.
They moved in different circles.

Top Tip:
Fishermen -use licquorice as bait, you'll catch all sorts.

[steveqpr881]

I know you lot won't take umbrage at this - because you don't know what umbrage means
Last night, the missus said she's leaving me, because of my obsession with Wham.
I said wake me up before you go, go.

[steveqpr881]

Everyone in my street wears woolly jumpers.
We're a tight-knit community.

[steveqpr881]

I've just invented an alarm clock that, when it goes off doesn't ring - it swears.
You're guaranteed a rude awakening!