Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

I've just invented a new game, Quiet Tennis;
it's like ordinary tennis, but without the racket.

A bloke in the pub was telling Motown jokes; I asked him if he knew any more, and he said
"Three...maybe four - tops."

[steveqpr881]

Time to once more channel the late Cyril Fletcher off of 'That's Life,'
smooth down my velvet smoking jacket (get on with it! - ed.),
turn to camera & simper, "I am indebted to Daniel Wells, aka
dannyboyurs off the old offy m/b, who posted this on Facebook yesterday
- if you acknowledge your 'sauce,' as QBP used to say, then it's not plagiarism
(it'd better be worth it, after this build-up - ed.)
I've just ordered a book off Amazon, "How Not To Be Ripped Off." Only £150!!

And,as it's National Poetry Day, here to celebrate is a poem what I have wrote specially:
I opened my fridge
And what did I see?
My pet budgie
Smiling at me.

I thank you.

[steveqpr881]

Got a backlog of Easter jokes, courtesy of Tony Blackburn

I stepped on a hot cross bun & got an electric shock - a currant ran up my leg.

Went to the doctor, I said I feel like a chocolate Easter bunny;
he said how do you mean? I said hollow inside.

Interesting Fact:
Soul singer Marvin Gaye was born on this day in 1939;
he played drums on Motown's 1st US No. 1, 'Please Mr. Postman,' by The Marvelettes.
And a bonus Interesting Fact (M'sieu, you are really spoiling us!)
The weekend's Chelsea v Burnley game had 51 shots; only 1 Premiership game has had more,
52 in QPR v Leicester, November 2014

[steveqpr881]

A friend of mine has just retired after working 20 years driving a limousine.
He didn't have a pension though - all that work & nothing to chauffeur it.

[steveqpr881]

I was talking to Steve R the other day, I said "Steve, have you seen that film, the Hunt For Red October?"
He said, "No - I hate films with sub titles."

[steveqpr881]

I see we're through the 900,000 views barrier - I million here we come!!
And today's ribbed tickler:
I've just started working in an ice cream parlour.
6 days a week, I don't do Sundays (sundaes, geddit?? )
And an Interesting Fact -
Gorillas are the only animals, apart from Man, to suffer from piles.

[steveqpr881]

Went for a job in a mirror factory; I thought, I can see myself doing that.
But I decided not to, on reflection.

Top Tip:
It's the London Marathon this Sunday.
Impress people by staggering around town after it's over, wearing running gear
& with six foot of bacofoil draped over your shoulders.

[steveqpr881]

Went shopping yesterday, and I dropped a bag of flour on the floor!
Mind you, I didn't need to pick it up....it was self-raising!

[steveqpr881]

Happy St. George's Day, everyone!
And it's also William Shakespeare's birthday - Shakespeare walked into a tavern & the barkeeper said, "You're bard."
Shakespeare once fancied a holiday in Devon, but he couldn't decide where, exactly - Torbay, or not Torbay?
And in a similar vein - he used to write his plays using a pencil, but he couldn't decide - 2B, or not 2B.

[steveqpr881]

I was pulled over in my car by Old Bill yesterday!
The copper said, "Would you blow into this bag please, sir."
I asked him why, he said, "Because my chips are too hot."

Interesting Fact:
Half of the World's bluebells grow in England.
It is an offence to dig them up, punishable by a fine of £5,000 per bulb!

Thought For The Day:
When life gives you anagrams, make melonade.