May I have your prayers, mirth fans, for the spiritual guru (so to speak) of this thread -
Tony Blackburn announced on his show this morning that he has Covid.
Luckily, he's not feeling too bad, and the show went on, but I'm afraid to say, the quality of jokes was definitely down today.
So here is the cream of the crop.....
I'm on a toast-only diet; still, at least I get 3 square meals a day.
Most cats don't shave - 8 out of 10 prefer whiskers.
I'm going to see a Beatles tribute band on the Isle of Wight;
I've got (all together now) a Ticket to Ryde.
Here is a bonus joke (M'sieu, you are really spoiling us)
A man in full Chelsea kit was stood on top of the South Africa Road stand, threatening to jump.
A police officer tried to calm him down - he asked what was the matter;
the man replied, "Chelsea's in crisis, Abramovich has been sanctioned, we cant buy or sell players,
I can't buy a ticket for any game, I can't even buy any merchandise. We can't even sell the club,
several players are out of contract soon & we cant replace them.....it looks like we're doomed."
The copper says, "Well I can see why you're depressed; but one thing I don't understand -
why are you here, why aren't you at Stamford Bridge??"
The Chelski fan replies, " Have you seen the size of the fecking queue???"
I've ordered a chicken & an egg from Just Eat;
I'll let you know which came first.
Interesting Fact:
Forgot to say this yesterday, but Tuesday was The Ides of March.
As in, "Beware the Ides of March." ( that is your actual Shakespeare)
But what, I hear you ask, does The Ides of March actually mean??
Simples; it's the day before the middle day of the month.
So every day has an Ides, not just March.
See, this thread isn't just entertaining, it's also informative;
it's Infotaining.
Plagiarism rears it's ugly head again.
Not once, but twice in a week.
Last week, Steve Wright nicked my "no-one to chauffeur it" joke;
now, Private Eye have used my "Olly Gark" pun. Latest issue, page 94.
I wouldn't mind, but do they ever pay me any royalties for using my material??
Do they heck as like - I don't even get a name-check.
Anyway, on with today's ribbed tickler - let's see who steals this.
And I'll be honest, I stole it from Private Eye;fair exchange is no robbery.
Rod Stewart's been filling in potholes in the road near his home;
but he found that the first rut is the deepest.
And an Interesting Fact:
Snails can sleep for up to 3 years! (but ants never sleep)
My mate asked me if I liked my hi-vis jacket;
I said I wouldn't be seen without it.
Mind you, it wouldn't be much use in a custard factory.
That reminds me of the time a man on crutches stole my camouflage jacket;
I said you cant run, but you can hide.
Thought For The Day:
Will Egypt ever ask for The Pharaoh Islands back??
Hope this isn't too risque for some of you more sensitive souls......
I asked my girlfriend to sexually stimulate me with her key-ring - but she just fobbed me off
A friend who works in an sofa making factory fell into the upholstering machine;
he's OK now, he's fully re-covered.
Interesting Fact:
Chemically, the closest substance to human blood is.....sea water.
More plagiarism - on Radio 2's Steve Wright show again;
today, he nicked my "photographic memory" joke.
I'm sure they're monitoring this thread & picking off the best jokes
Is this what I pay my license fee for??
Anyway, I've just a new job, collecting rubbish (like these jokes! - ed.)
(I shall ignore that)
There was no training, I just picked it up as I went along.
Sean Derry - Chuck Berry.
btw, 3,944 views - should go thru the 4k mark over the weekend
steveqpr881 wrote: ↑Fri Mar 25, 2022 3:08 pm
[color=#0000BF
btw, 3,944 views - should go thru the 4k mark over the weekend[/color]
Sure enough - 4,031!
And the cream of the crop from this morning's Tony Blackburn Show:
I accidentally handed my wife a tube of glue when she asked me to pass her
lipstick over. She's still not talking to me.
I live in a village where everyone wears a jumper that's 2 sizes too small;
it's a very close-knit community.
As you know, I get hundreds of emails every day from my legion of fans -
well, dozens. One or two. OK, none. But here's another email from Mrs. Smith,
she says, "Steve son, tell us one of your side-splitting ribbed ticklers, or my husband will
come over & give yo' ass a slap." Always happy to oblige, so here goes:
My grief councillor died recently;
luckily, he was so good at his job, I didn't give a monkey's.
Thought For The Day:
Is a row of Barbie dolls called a barbeque ??
By the way - and I'm blowing my own trumpet here -
have a look at the latest issue of Private Eye;
they've printed my letter (page 23) & it's a real ribbed tickler.
Don't ask me what it says, go into WHSmith & have a look.....
